Mede ~
Dear journal I've left you stuck in the drawer while I've been out living life. I've decided that since I find myself too busy for daily entries, I'll try my hand at just writing my thoughts.
I'm so excited I'm working for the Bloody Dawn now. I even get to wear the sun sigil on my clothing. Ok, so I'm still just a cook but it's so much more interesting than the boring town ovens. I'm making food for long journeys, for dangerous covert operations. So I can't wield a sword but every warrior needs to eat. And I need the extra coin. My building was bought by Mungan Woodham and he's raised the rent by 50 coppers a week! And I still have that leaking window. However, with my new job I'll be able to breathe easier, it pays me more and Taala even gave me an advance to pay up a month's worth of rent so I can go on the trip to the Blue Mountains. I'm giddy about that, she's even lending me a horse so I don't have to ask Father or shell out the money to rent one. She's the best and it's amazing to see how she holds her own in a man's world. I don't care what they say about her, rumors are just that. People love to talk about those that can do what they can't or won't. Working in the kitchen of Dawn Hall I overhear all sorts of things. How can I compare overhearing tales to chill the blood and make the heart pound, of daring and cunning and violence to hearing about how so and so's kid is teething or what damn cow is pregnant. I don't mean the live stock. The busy bodies in Bree love to gossip, especially about personal relationships.
Rumors have it...that Gorlen is no good for me, that he's a killer and a user. How funny so many people become an expert on someone they don't even know personally. Because of what he looks like or what his job is. Maybe he's had other girlfriends before, so what? He's charming and handsome, I would think there might be something wrong if he hadn't. I expect my family to concern themselves with who I see, I don't like it but I understand why. Corrben, in his blundering and hamfisted way, is trying to protect me from a man he thinks my ruin me. For what I don't know, I don't want to be some farmer's wife or belong to a sewing circle. But he's my older brother and I love him, even if I haven't spoken to him since our last argument. What I don't understand is others who don't even know me, let alone Gorlen, putting their noses in. I speak of a man called Bernwyn. He's tall, wears shabby armor and smells of horse so I believe him when he says he's from Rohan. He's the one who claims to be hunting "The Bear" and yet he finds time to come tell me who I should not be dating. Saying things like Gorlen would kill my family and take me for my dowry, nonsense. I think he's the one that thinks a woman is nothing but a purse, I do not like that worm and I let him know.
Then there are the hens clucking their tongues at me for not only going around with Gorlen but having a man up to my door and giving him a muffin. A rather mournful looking man named Seaver, he works for the same company as I do though I do not know him very well needed a bit of cheering up, feeling sorrowful about the anniversary of the passing of his father. I was on my way home to pick up some muffins so I asked him to come along. I chattered a bit, he seemed to perk up and liked the blueberry muffin. I did not invite him in or anything that unseemly but it doesn't stop the curtain twitchers from gossiping. Later I heard the man was notorious for charming women and such, I suppose. He's handsome enough and tried to flirt here and there but I had the feeling it was just out of habit than interest. Which is fine, as I am not interested in anyone but Gorlen in that manner.
I think he loves me, he whispered it to me as he held me close the night I was hired to work for his company. This delightfully wicked sellsword with the laughing amber eyes and long dark hair. I am in love with him, my heart flutters when I think about him. Even when I talk to other men, even when I flirt or tease them, he is not far from my mind. Forgive my self centered desire for attention but his arms are the only I want around me. His lips are the ones I want to kiss. I just enjoy dangerous games though by far the most pleasurable are the ones I play with him. And yes, there is the manner of the little thing he told me about. A rather big thing, in a small package. What happens with the woman that carries his child and if she ever wishes to return are shadowed in the future. I do not know what would happen if she did return, babe in arms to claim him. Would I fight for him or let him go with his family? Would he want to go or stay with me? So many things but none that are a concern right now. I want to enjoy every moment with him and not fret about what might be. He worries though he thinks he masks it well maybe he thinks that I'll flit away from him but I could not, I'm always drawn back to him. The man fascinates me and excites me, it's a bit mad and frightening but I don't care. I just never want this feeling to end.
