My little boy has just drifted off to sleep. It is time to return to the manor untill the morning comes. Absently in my mind I cannot shake the thoughts of that infernal girl out of my head. I am far more aloof than I once was. Perhaps not as convincing in keeping people off the scent that my mind would be troubled. But I have started not to care, my priorities have changed. I spoke with Delinor who goes by the alias of Katey and made a quiet inquiry or two. If she could see in Cirywen the very same qualities of the woman she once hated as well as I did. Her reply to me was quite unexpected. She said to me, Yes, but I like this one. I was not expecting that. She also said that I should not be afraid to enjoy my life because of what's happened in the past. It would seem like sound advice on the surface.
I tried not to be afraid of enjoying my life when I woke up among the corpses of the battlefield. I went with Father as though it was the obvious thing to do to Bree-land to seek a new life but we were separated and I ended up a captive and tool of brigands. I could have stayed with Mother on the farm come to think of it. Perhaps she would still be alive today. I tried to not be afraid of enjoying my life when I rediscovered my father after my escape. Living as a pickpocket on the streets and not dwell on losses years past before he was brutally murdered. I took my stepmother in good faith untill I realised she was an evil harpy manipulating me for her own game and I had to terminate her existence.
I took Cyre in good faith when she came to my home, but all she wanted was my coin. I took her in off the street and what thanks did I get?
I took Calessan in good faith, she of noble-heart who I cared for very much untill she passed on even though she wished to cut my balls off. I did not cheat upon her, I simply insisted that it would be wrong to carry on when I did not feel like we had a future together. I very much wanted her to stay around. She defended Leofric from those who would harm him when some old friends of mine took objection to me leaving a criminal lifestyle behind. It was either kill or be killed. There was no way out of it. Yet surely it was the honourable thing to admit that I was young and naive and she was the first girl I had ever been with and I was not ready for this? She hated me. She later died, I felt responsible.
I took Erinwyn in good faith. And she in turn gave me Rowena. And life was good and happy. Untill one day she just wasn't the same anymore, she betrayed me. She mislead me. Sold me a pack of lies. She turned on me, I know she did. Wrecked my friendship with Ilaru. I murdered that night one of my very best friends, Mabel, a Bree-girl who I was as close to as anyone as a friend who had been captive with me. And now plied her trade in the art of information. Even so, I trusted her implicitly. I killed an innocent woman by mistake because I could not comprehend that the betrayal was closer to home. The very woman who pledged to marry me. Mabel's death still haunts me to this very day. She was a dear friend and my soul must be damned forever because of it. Erin had me kill an innocent woman because she would not admit her guilt at giving away my intentions. Rather than take down a known assassin and old associate of my father. A man deserving of death. I ended up killing a friend because she had given up the game. Ilaru unwittingly gave her heart to Cyfier. She did not need to know, in the end. She would not heed my warnings but I had her convinced that her union had my blessing. I very carefully engineered it. I could support her when he had died. Month's worth of careful prep-work. Ruined by an idealistic bitch. I would have promised to find his killer. And deliver a suitable scapegoat also worthy of being put to an end. He abandoned their child anyway and left her alone. I have yet to say to her that I told her so. But I do not think it needs to be said. Had my ruse gone as I had established it. Cyfier's death would have been untraceable back to me. I do not leave evidence. But this is what happens when you confide in people. I could no longer strike without the element of surprise without blowback. Ilaru knew far too many of my secrets. Cyfier had so many enemies I could have got away with it. Morally questionable? Perhaps, but I had my friends best interests at heart. He was going to hurt her. And he did.
But there was more to our parting than that. Erinwyn had been a strong independent-minded woman for so long but with the life I was destined for at the time. She would have been subordinate to my wishes, in her disregard she clearly showed it would never work. I did not want to be regent to my little brother. The temporary custodian of my brother's lands. I gave her up but I also walked from it all. She also became cold, and frigid without explanation long before the incident. She had changed. My mind was tormented. She was not there when I needed her. She promised she would be. I often mentioned the wedding. I even mentioned it after the betrayal for Rowena's sake. She was non-comittal. I left.
I lost Mother to Uruk Hai around three or four winters back. Savagely She had long since left the farm in my absence. I returned to cremate her. I would have stayed and helped with the war effort had I not had a family back in Bree, Erinwyn ensured that didn't last long.
I still remember one of the few times it was suggested to me that I should enjoy my life, I remember the conversation quite vividly. I jested that the man ought to be careful as I was cursed, People tend to die when I am around. I am truly cursed I said. I do not remember the exact wording but I was self-deprecating in the extreme. We drank and laughed in the Prancing Pony. Later that night I found him on the ground in a bloody pulp. As cold as the frost covered ground.
I went to Ost Forod after I had left Erinwyn. There I drank and I whored and the things that I would have gotten up to would probably shock your delicate eyes. I went on a rampage with abandon. Those whores taught me quite a few tricks that would come in handy when it came to satisfying the fairer sex. I was no longer the pure and chaste boy I once was. At twenty I could count the women I had been with on two fingers. I don't think these days I can even put a number to it.
Then there was Sefa, Sefa who is a walking danger to herself and who will probably be dead by next year. She is the village drunk. I wish I could save her from herself but I could not. I don't think anybody can. I have come to grips with the fact that you cannot save everyone. Once upon a time I used to hold myself personally responsible. As though I could help all men and women be well. It does give me a sense of purpose, I took a homeless girl off the street once. I look after Taala. And others. Even though I keep my distance. I try to change as many lives as I can for the better. Penance for my chosen pastime. For the pleasure I take in killing. For the innocents I have killed by mistake although few in number. I put my faith in Sefa however, and she would improve for a time but I could not hold my own warped mind enough together long enough. The only faith you can put in Sefa is that she will end up in a ditch one day. And I will mourn when that day comes. Though I worry that I won't care less.
I put my faith in Cressa, Cressa the prostitute. Cressa who put me through so much emotional turmoil who gave me such comfort when I was at my lowest. I fell for her like a blind fool even though my head was telling me the opposite of my heart. I was willing to pledge myself to the girl in a move that would have stunned the listener. She told me that she could not tolerate the conflictedness within me. That it was draining on her spirit afterwards. But she had lied to me, and then finished with me by written letter.
I put my faith in Kriea, but already in the past year or so I have nearly lost her twice whilst she was in danger. It is looking as though she might die any day soon from illness.
So many friends either dead or dissappeared. Baradar, Blodwynn, even my Aunt has dissappeared. The last of my blood relatives. probably killed in the wilds. I would never know if it was true. She lived as a cat might, occasionally coming in for shelter but roaming the vast expanse of Middle Earth, unable to keep confined. So how much loss can one soul take before it is broken?
I put my faith in Hardoleth. So alike my father in many ways, he succumbed to sickness as I contemplated joining his company. Even then. So tell me, poor reader. Why should a man such as me show any faith? Perhaps I have found some. I have rolled the dice once more. The work I put in with Aemalia will not go unfinished. She has to be found. I am in the Dawn now and in the Dawn I will stay. A man can never change if he doesn't even try. Today I told Eroforth and Taala that I had adorned Aemalia's captors heads on spikes. I might have even killed one of them within the city walls. I remember that kill well. Perhaps now is not the time to tell them that I am the vigilante once mentioned by Odall Brackenboar, Captain of the Bree-Watch. As I stood right by his side. The man unable to pin anything on me that day. I have played those Watchers for fools and done a better job than they at times. Bound as they are to an extent by bureaucracy, corruption. And sometimes just sheer laziness over the years.
I think back to Cirywen, I could devote an entire chapter to this woman. I consciously allowed her to see a part of who I am. And I didn't care. I do not know why. In playing her games she now views me as less than sincere which is true. It is as though I do not even want to hide myself anymore. But I sense she doesn't believe a word I say even when I am honest. I used the phrase 'game' to describe what we were playing because I do not trust that it is not on her part. What happens when deception comes as natural as night follows day. If I outright told people I was trained to deceive ever since I came to the Bree-lands they would never believe a word I said again. Why am I letting her in? No doubt she thinks I am actually trying to seduce her. She is not a conquest. She is one of the sharpest girls I have ever met but her ego is inflated. She isn't as smart as she thinks. Overconfidence is a weakness. She confuses me, and vexes me at times even still. Though I do not allow it to show. I may have to kill her. I could do it in a number of ways. I have enough gold I would not even have to risk myself bloodying my own hands and barely even notice the missing coins from my purse. Yet I don't want to. I like her. Just as my father was drawn in by Eacanwyn so do I find myself drawn in by her. She has done nothing yet worth killing for. Perhaps it is just better I stay away. I am done with women after all despite one or two impulsive entanglements I have not sought. It is humorous that it is assumed I am bedding the girl but given my post-Erin relations not surprising. Reputations can be hard to undo. I have physical needs but these fleeting connections cannot fill the void Rannie left.
Rannie. I finally put my faith in you, and all was well. But we knew there would be difficulties. I tried so hard. Our relationship was torn asunder by rumours of my own making. By my own uncertainty. I am not a bad man, I am a sad man. It is hard to accept attachment, How can I not be hollow? I'm going to contradict what I said earlier about changing. How can a man just dismiss the past, when each and every time he has proven fool to do so.
