((cf. Veryacano's report on Estarfin's hearing - for further context, refer to the chronicle "A Haughty Spirit Falls"))
Today Estarfin was summoned to speak before the Cauns regarding his deeds in the Hithaeglir, and his reasons therefore.
In essence, he said the same about those reasons as he already told me before, on the occasion of my first visit to his sickroom - that he had been, and was still, concerned with the threat of the goblins, and thought it his duty to fight them, even if alone.
Thus, his words should have not surprised me, and yet - !
He spoke, it seemed to me, with complete sincerity, not trying to play the Cauns for fools. Yet, he said no word of remorse nor pleaded for leniency, rather he re-stated, with conviction, that he had done his duty, citing this -
"I will stand firm against the shadow. I will bring all the strength that is within me to challenge and defeat the servants of The Eye. I will do my utmost to protect my kindred until the end."
I know the words of the Oath as well, yet I cannot agree that they oblige one to willfully rush into peril on one's own, as if answerable to none!
I do not understand how Estarfin could come to the conclusion, that an order to lead recruits into the mountains equalled an order to set forth alone in their absence, towards likely death! Surely, that was madness? If he is so good at interpreting orders creatively, why did he not do so all those yéni ago, when he was ordered to do the unthinkable? Why only now?
Yet, when asked if he saw the folly in his actions, all that Estarfin would reply was,
"I would warn others against a similar act, that is certain Lord Parnard."
So it is then, that he demands of himself that against which he would warn others? Does he believe, that the same wisdom and reason do not apply to him, as to them? Does he deem his life of lesser worth, than theirs?
Again he spoke of duty, and of pride. "Pride is not a weakness," Estarfin said, yet I believe there are two kinds of pride. One is to reject wisdom in favour of one's own self-will, and that pride is a flaw. The other kind of pride is to believe oneself capable of - and thus obliged to - greatness, and that pride I deem virtue; yet it must be harnessed and honed, as one would shape a stone. There is a difference between a raging fire that consumes and destroys, and the forge-fire that serves us.
Lord Veryacano questioned Estarfin sternly, asking him outright if he wished to die alone, or continue his duties.
Estarfin answered, that he could see no difference. "All who put duty first will eventually die fighting alone," he said. "That is duty."
It was that, of all he said, that I could understand the least. There are Elves who care for him greatly, and yet he speaks of fighting alone, and dying alone? Does he not see how he is dear to them, or is it worse - that he has no regard for it?
As Brasseniel said, it is hard to understand why a fine warrior would risk his life in a lone act of heroism where he might slay hundreds upon thousands more side-by-side with his brethren. Is it so, that the last he considered truly his brethren died in Doriath?
I pity Estarfin.
