I sit here now in a state of chaos. My mind is a jumbled mess of recent events, feelings, thoughts. Too much has happened, too much will happen and I cannot sort it all out. I need to still myself, calm the whirling, in order to figure out my next move. I cannot think rationally. Not like this.
I try, but I cannot write it all down in the order it occured. It is all so squashed together, a hodge-podge, a mess of mash - like those potatoes the little people so love. Potatoes. Mashed, boiled, roasted, stuffed. Such similies are really rather distracting at this moment in time. I have not eaten for days!
Enough! Enough of that. Events. Yes, recent events, current events. I must set them down somehow. Not in order. I cannot do it in order, but I must get it all out. Point by point, then.
The plan.
The plan worked as intended. Duplicity is not something I enjoy, but it was necesary in order to gain that which I desired. She is safe now. He will hold to his word for as long as he does not find out...
The fight.
It was brutal, but I forced myself to stay. I forced myself to watch. I had to. He had told me not to, but what choice did I have? My next move was ever dependant upon who won out that day, thus I had to remain in order to see. So much hostility between them, like a poisoned cloud threatening to block out the light of the sun. Fitting that it should take place in the very ruins I had first seen them together. Poetic justice. A beginning there for me and now an end. But it is not over.
Blodwynn.
My friend. The woman I have given so much to defend. She is safe now. He will not go after her, but because of her, he will come for me. How could she betray me so? She promised! I trusted her and she promised! What a fool I am to think that I could confide in her, in anyone! I have done so much for her, but she will be the death of me. How could she tell him? How could she break her word to me and give my secrets to Daigan?
Daigan.
He has proven himself untrustworthy in the past. More than that, he has proven himself a hypocrite. Words of friendship and comfort, promises to never harm me and what does he do? He gives away my deepest secrets, he hits me, locks me away. For my own good, he says, and yet how can he claim such when he beats and kidnaps? He is as evil as the others, as twisted and black hearted. The only difference is that he does not admit it.
Davick.
Davick, Davick, ah Davick my dear! He can be so gentle at times, so protective and caring. At others he is far from that. I thought him dead! I saw him fall! My heart wept that he should be gone, yet I had to hold my grief within lest the other read the truth from it. I should have had more faith in him. I should have known that he would live. I am glad that he does; I have never been so relieved to see him! He is angry with me for my choices, yet he has begun to treat me with far more care than ever before. Perhaps I have been forgiven?
Drevorin.
What am I to do about him? I let him live. He lay before me, helpless and injured. There was poison in his veins and his blood seeped out onto the stone from the injuries Davick had inflicted. I sat there looking down at him and I knew, I knew that I should slit his throat. His death would have solved everything. Everyone had told me that this is what I must do should Davick fall. I stared at him, so broken, so hurt. I could not do it. I could not strike that blow. Nor could I simply walk away. Had I done so, and he had survived, things would have been so much worse. Perhaps they still will be. He lives and he is no longer... I wish he was still the man I had known those days in the ruins.
What else? What else?
Baradar.
Oh, my friend! Fallen to the blackest pits of Moria! Your loss is such a blow to me! I did not love you in the way you wished, the way you deserved, but I did care deeply for you. Gone now and try as I may to remain strong, still inside I break. I mourn your passing with each breath and wish, so fervently, that it was all a mistake.
Ruthrey.
If ever there was a one to complicate matters, it is him! I had known him for only a few days when he decided he had feelings for me. As if there were not already enough men clouding my mind with such declarations! Can these males not care for a person without suddenly speaking words of love? He is a sweet and generous man, but my heart does not beat for him. Nor can it when he suffocates me with his overbearing worry! If I should sneeze he would run for a blanket and a cup of tea! If I should break a nail, he would swaddle me in bandages! It is too much! Too much!
Avaldar.
Somewhere thrown into the mess was the ranger, determined to get himself slaughtered by Davick. The fool!
Is that it? Am I done now? I do not feel any more settled. Perhaps I have missed something. Perhaps I am losing my grip. Where is the logic? Where is the rational thought? I must seek these things again. I feel lost without them.
