Men have recently come to present such problems for me. I am young, single, far from attractive and yet I have man trouble. How is even possible to have such when I do not have a man?
Daigan is a pain in my rear. He did much for me when I was still a shivering wreck. My transformation from wretch to woman seems to bother him, though. He dislikes that I can and will stand up for myself now instead of meekly doing as he bids. He dislikes my affection for Davick. He dislikes my friendship with Blodwynn. Perhaps he is insecure and simply needs to feel that he is needed. I do not know and nor do I care. It simply annoys me that he makes Blodwynn feel bad about it all. She does not deserve to be caught in the middle like this.
A better lover, perhaps even a better friend, would apologise simply for her sake. I, however, am done with apologies for things that were not my fault. The blame lies at his feet, not mine.
Davick, of course, is his own manner of trouble altogether. I am not entirely certain that he knows the purpose behind his games sometimes, yet he continues to play them. What purpose is there behind him pretending to be jealous of my male friends when both he and I know that he is not? What purpose is there in him tryng to keep me alone when he wants me to forget about him and move on? Why does he follow me still? Why does he continue to watch over my safety when he states time and again that he wants nothing to do with me in any capacity?
It is a puzzle he makes; little wooden pieces of strange shapes that will fit together in many ways and yet only one will truly make sense. He fashions his mystery as we go along, passing me one piece at a time. If it is madness he seeks to steer me toward then he will find his folly soon enough. Still, as much as trying to figure these things out amuses me, I wish that he would stop trying to drive off those who seek my friendship. I wish he would quit the false jealousy and anger. It serves no purpose for either of us.
Baradar; a brave and handsome man. Who would have thought that he could cause me any consternation? After all he has done, all he has shown himself to be, he is the last I would expect to find myself thinking troubled thoughts about. He has done naught but help me, protect me, care for me since the day we met. He has done so at a comfortable distance, being patient with me and never seeking to come closer than I would allow.
Now he tells me that he thinks he loves me. What am I to do about that? Can I really continue living in his house knowing that he feels for me as he does? Is it not cruel of me to stay when we both know that my heart lies elsewhere?
He is too good for this. He is too good for me. I care for him deeply and I appreciate all that he has done, all that he does. What better friend could I ever have than he?
Drevorin, ah Drevorin. I await his arrival now with baited breath. That man, that cruel arrogant man. He poses a threat now for what I did to aid Blodwynn. However, it is only a matter of time before he learns of my involvement with another of his enemies. Once that comes to light the danger will be tenfold. I know what I have to do. I know what must be done. Knowing, however, does not make this task any easier and all this waiting is torture. I wish I could be done with this, with him.
There has been neither sight or sound of him since that day he added to my scars. Blodwynn has heard nothing of him and nor, I think, have the others. In a way this is a good thing. It gives us all time to prepare for the coming storm and yet the air is so opressive. The pressure that all this waiting places on each of us - all in our own ways - is crushing.
All this fear, loathing, anticipation, hatred... all this from and for one single man. I do not hate him, though. I pity him.
All of it is such a mess. One man loves me whilst I love another who loves someone else. One man hates me because I no longer grovel. One man wants me dead because I know some other men. Is there anything more vexing than the males of the species? If there is, then I have yet to find it and I hope that I never do!
