It has been a strange few days.
He found me in the company of Avaldir, the Ranger, and instantly took umbrige. It would seem that he dislikes Rangers intensely. For all his words on that topic, though, I cannot help but feel that he hates this particular one more than most. Strange that he might, given that he had never met Avaldir before he found him with me.
More of his games followed. Threats against all those who visit me in an attempt to get me to defy him. I am quite used to his ways now and saw the game for what it was, thus I played my own game right back. I told him that I would submit to his will and become his possession, as he professed to want, if only he would leave my visitors alone. That, amusingly, threw him somewhat and after a while he gave up and told me that he had been playing all along. I do not think he appreciated it so much when I told him that I had known from the beginning and had merely been playing my own game in return.
Of course, it only went worse for me the next day when he once again found Avaldir in my company. He got rather angry at me for sending the Ranger away before he could cause the fight he so dearly wanted. It would seem that the success of his lessons have been lost on him. I can, and will, defy him but I will do so at times of my choosing. It is not true defiance if I stand up only in an effort to appease him.
His father came after he departed. With the amount of people finding out about my whereabouts I am beginning to feel that staying here much longer is counter-productive. Too many know already and he keeps adding names to the list. Indeed, I wonder if I should have Daigan bring me some casks of ale that I might set up a makeshift inn here!
His father, Saelran I believe, said that he was sent to speak to me of alternative accomodations. That, however, I do not believe. Rather, given the turn the short conversation took, I rather think that he had been sent to discover if I would turn to him for help in the matter of keeping him from hurting those who come to see me. I declined the offer, however. Some may see that as foolish given that Saelran is the only one who really stands a chance of preventing him from doing as he sees fit and yet I believe that this is something I should do for myself. Succeed or fail, this is my responsibility.
He returned later in the eve. After some words exchanged, he decided to change the nature of the game. Knowing that I dislike being touched, he placed his hand against my cheek, asking how long I could endure it. When I replied that I would do so for as long as I had to, he grabbed me around the waist and held me close. It was unwelcome and uncomfortable. Indeed, every fiber of my being screamed that I should break free of his grasp and flee as far as I possibly could, but I fought that instinct, standing there until he chose to let me go. It was a test, I knew, and one that I passed.
The strangest thing to occur, however, was the sudden change in him the next day.
He came, as he does, and we spoke. At one point he asked why I shy away from affection. I answered vaguely. citing the bad memories it engenders and he demanded to know what they were. My refusal to speak on them gave him a idea, it seems, for he made a very accurate guess and after a few more highly uncomfortable questions, he surprised me.
Everything about him changed in an instant. Gone were his forceful and threatening ways. Gone too was the harsh growling tone in which he usually speaks to me. Rather than forcing, as he usually would, he instead encouraged me to accept his offered embrace with soft words of comfort. I was as wary of this deviation from the normal path as I was of allowing myself to be close to anyone, but in the end I accepted his offer and he held me then as if I were made of the most precious and fragile crystal, as if he feared that the slightest pressure would shatter me.
He whispered to me words of reassurance that he would never hurt me as they had and I believed him.
This all makes it harder for me, though. I find myself believing in the word of a man who lies as easily as he breathes if it suits his purpose to do so. This budding trust unnerves me, but nowhere near as much as my willingess to accept his embrace. The thoughts and feelings this man causes me to have are alien, surreal. They must be disregarded, discarded, ignored, for what point is there in indulging them? I know in my heart that he will never view me in a similar light and yet, try as I might to push these things aside, one touch from him brings them rushing back.
