Ceou's "Empty" Journal, "Mother"

Turned 29 today. Celebrated alone, if you consider sitting in a dark room with a bottle of liquor celebrating. I don't. Back in the Eastment when I was a very young girl, my mother and I celebrated my birthday at the end of the day. She'd tell me how big I was getting, she would have me a gift she saved up for all year (one that stands out abruptly in my memory was a hand-stitched toy dragon I had for the longest time. I wish I still had it) and would always say the same thing before bed time, "You'll be all grown up before you know it, and you'll be off doing great things." She was half right at least. I am certain she would be dissapointes in me now. I live the life she tried to steer me away from my whole life. I have blamed Demelin for why I ended up the way I am, but I need to take responsibility for my own self. I could have gone in another direction. I should have, and I know that now. I wish mom were alive. She was a good mother.. Bad at choosing men, but a good mother. When we didn't have anything to eat, she'd take me out into the plains and gather something to eat, somehow. Even if it was only a coney or a handful of berries. She tucked me in at night, all the way up until I was ten, and requested her not. I wish I had let her now. I wish in could hve been more like her. Everyone loved her, she even made friends with brigands so they wouldn't terrorize her farm. I always knew she had a way with words. She could befriend anyone, from the lowest peasant to the highest of kings! I was her biggest embarrassment. Everyone knew me - the trouble maker. The no good waste of flesh. The filthy peasant girl. They would hardly smile at my mother when they saw me with her. They all knew I was a thief, and many had embellished stories about me. Tried to accuse me of burning down someone else's farm. Something I would never do, not even today. I really think all mother wanted was me to be happy, and I want to grant her that wish. But can I claim to be happy? No. I'm an alcoholic. The only person I have found interest in rejected me. I am wanted dead or alive in the place I call home. I spend the bulk of my time drinking, and in hiding. I am a pathetic leader, and even worse at following orders. There is no remaining settlement of man I can visit freely. Maybe I can turn things around. Become a better, more likable person. Maybe then mother wouldn't turn over in her grave every time I speak. I'm sorry Celeon. I didn't want to disappoint you. I still wish you were here to celebrate my birthday with me.