Ceou's "Empty" Journal, "Twisted Minds and Sickening Stories"

Having nothing to do makes you start to think. It makes you start to think very long, and with great detail about things you normally wouldn't think about. I have never really stopped to think about where I really am, why I act the way I act, why I do what I do. Since I got out on my own I have been drinking. Drinking why? I still don't know. I spend a lot of time running. Running from watchmen. Running from hopeful heroes. But even longer I have been running away from myself. I am a murderer. I killed a man in Rohan, and no matter how much he deserved it, I still look back and feel regret. "An eye for an eye," I always tell myself, but. I can't keep lying to myself. When I was young, I stole fruits and vegetables out of necessity, now I rob rich people for the sheer fun of it, I don't even need that much money. I justify it by giving away chunks of it to folks with little to nothing of their own, because I can relate. They are poor, hungry, and afraid. Why can't House Hawthorn give up a little extra to feed the hungry? I call it involuntary charity. There is a lot of blood on my hands. More than I can remember, or care to. Some in particular stand out in my mind, and I would rather them not. But, I feel I need to write one of the greater ones out for myself. It was 8 years ago. I had gone a bit too long without food, and went out for a quick, "snatch and bite." one of the guards caught me grabbing a loaf of bread, and started to come after me. I was just about to leave town afterwards, and a night in jail would have been SLIGHTLY INCONVENIENT. So instead of taking a night off of my life, I stabbed the guard in the chest with a buck knife. I ended his life, to trim a day off of my travels. There is nothing to justify that, accept selfishness and fear. I can't go back to that town again. I still have nightmares about that guard's family, after a random newcomer killed a husband, a father, a brother, and a best friend, all in one flail swoop. Now I know why I started drinking. It numbs my memory for a while. It makes life bearable. That's just one of many I have put down, it takes a lot of alcohol to cope. Maybe I should just make better life choices.. But drinking is so much easier.