[A few lines are written but throughly overlined to being unable to read]
I was right... And I don't know how I am still alive. At first I barely remembered anything, but the more I think of it the more becomes clear to me... I have now reached the point where I cannot stand it. Just speaking of it, like when I told Ilaru...
She did it. The man caught me. Anarr was his name I have learned, and brought me to her. I got lose, and I ran... I ran so far, to Áres house I believe... But there was no escape. He knew where to find me, and so he did. But he must have realized, Áre, because he came, he came to the house... If not for him I would not be alive. I am alive, but Naurliths mission was completed. The child, my child, will never be born... I can't help but wonder if Kelinor knows. But I guess it's best if he doesn't... He chose to leave, to leave and probably never see the child even if it was born. I never aimed to become a mother... Even if I am at age, I did not initially want this. But now, knowing that I will never get to raise my own child... Despite its father abandoning me, despite the humiliation it would bring me; knowing this is devastating...
And it's not over. I thought this would be the end... Áre has left to Moria. He promised he will be back as soon as he possible can, but his abscence makes me uneasy nonetheless. Kearn is around as usual, and have been given Áres word to keep me safe and heed any wish I may have. I have no intentions to use this favour, though, as I have realized how dependant I have become on others. It is time for me to learn to take care of myself again and not rely on all these knights in shining armour around to keep me safe.
And so I did. I spoke to Cyfier, apparently he was to torture me to gain information but things changed and we did nothing but speak. In the end we made an agreement, one of a rather foolish sort on my behalf, but yet exactly what I want. I am to help him with anything he asks, the main question in this case being to bring him to Naurlith. She is hidden and wants noone to find her, I know as much, but being of her blood she cannot hide her prescence from me. She us of no threat as of now. Without the book she is lost, it is so obvious. The Legion have gone down since her return, since Kelinor left and she was the only one in charge. She needs that book to carry her work on, but has no men to retain it. At least that is what it looks like from the outside, but she's not stupid, I am sure she has some kind of plan...
The business of the Legion, and their enemies, appears to never leave me. My brothers death, and physically leaving their commands, appears to have made no difference. I will forever be the woman from the inside, the one who knows, the connection to Naurlith. I don't want this, I never did. And the temptation to just return to Rivendell and stay there, forever, is strong. But I can't. I left my life to protect someone I love, and despite his disease I now have someone else.
And also, as it seems, I may have a baby brother... I believe I mentioned it before. Lady Dorenthien and Lasdors child has been born, a baby boy named Nóruilain. If my father speaks the truth this child might be his by blood, meaning he might be my half brother. Either he is or not I do my best to stay near this child. I want to know him, and be there as he grows up, brother by blood or not.
With other words, I cannot leave. No matter how much I want to. There is too much at stake, too many things I would have to just drop down and abandon. I can't do that, it's too late to repair what I have lost anyhow...
Ithilwien
