Greetings everyone! Today I shall relate a tale about how valuable your soul is (in a surprisingly literal sense), and how you should never take it for granted. This is a properly horrifying tale. At least for my poor victim that is! As he had to learn this lesson the very hard way. Though for me and everyone else here, this tale is actually quite humorous. Some of you may have heard this tale before, but this will be the definitive and definitely true version of it! I promise!
It all began many years ago when I was trudging through the merciless snows of the Misty Mountains with my merchandise. I had just escaped the terror of beorning road tolls in Vegbar, so I was determined to get through the Misty Mountains as quickly as possible. And I was alone, as my chief caravan guard Rompli, Durin bless his dear beard, was currently busy chasing an imaginary giant he thought he heard challenge him to a duel. With Rompli as a caravan guard you would think there was a whole army of orcs hiding behind each and every rock and tree! Well, I suppose I was not ENTIRELY alone. I still had my faithful Trevor the Treasure Pony. But as smart and remarkably resilient as he was, unfortunately he cannot wield an axe.
So it was up to me to protect myself and more importantly my merchandise! I had to get my very valuable goods safely to Rivendell or all this would be for naught. And of course, since nothing ever goes right during adventures, it wasn't long before I heard the all too familiar shriek of a goblin ambush. They smiled with malice when they realized I was completely alone. And of course as they pushed me into their wretched caves they threatened me with all kinds of horrible promises of torture. It is almost impressive with how creative they can get with those!
I was scared, but Trevor wasn't. You likely won't believe me when I say I have dragged that poor pony through far worse before! I was only scared because that is what Dwarf merchants are supposed to do in situations like this. These goblins could damage my merchandise! Or worse, steal it!
But yes our goblin captors at least had the courtesy to throw me, Trevor, and all of my beloved merchandise into the same filthy cage. They even only assigned one goblin guard to make sure I stayed put. I suspect they assumed I was defenseless and so wouldn't be alive for long. But if my axe is never as sharp as it should be, my wits are! I looked at my goblin guard with great interest. He looked bored and was ever so gracefully picking his nose. I could work with this! At any rate it wouldn't hurt to try my luck.
I cleared my throat and began to speak to my captor, "By my beard, you are the mightiest goblin I have ever seen! I might as well be dead already with you here! But before we get to that part, might I know the name of the mighty goblin that shall brutally murder me? So that the legend of your cruelty can spread across all of Middle-Earth?"
The goblin guard grinned, he seemed pleased by my words. "The name's Furtz! And yeah you bet I am mighty! They finally promoted me to guard! No more work in the mines for this goblin! But yeah flattery won't save you! You shall die by my mighty blade!" Furtz brandished his small sword in what I thought was indeed a mighty manner. "Oh, er, die brutally that is." He quickly added. An important detail!
I tried to tremble before his might in a suitable and convincing matter. "Oh I might just die of fright right now! Such spirit! Your body is strong, but your soul must be even stronger! Us Free Peoples believe in these things called souls that each and every being in Middle-Earth has. Orcs always laugh at us when we bring this soul matter up. They say souls aren't real and our belief in such a silly idea is why we always lose every war against them. But I for one believe in souls! Sure they have no physical or material presence...and cannot even be defined in a consistent and specific way...and have never benefited us Free Peoples in any clear and direct way...but I believe in them! And I am willing to pay all I own for one! Speaking of which, might I buy your soul? Perhaps doing so will spare me from your terrifying power! And won't just deprive me of my last hope in an especially cruel manner! I shall pay you all of my vast Dwarven riches for your soul!"
Furtz had a slow, cruel, and also quite stupid grin spread across his face. "S-sure! Y-yeah! You can have my soul! My definitely real soul that definitely exists! Just gimme all of your Dwarf riches!" Furtz enthusiastically poked his sword at me. I then meekly handed him three copper coins. Thankfully for me Furtz as a goblin had no idea of the value of currency! He was almost blushing with joy! "Th-this is the most money I ever owned! I am rich now! RICH!" Furtz did an admittedly impressive little dance. "Ha! And you fool! You idiot! I don't have a soul! And now all of your vast Dwarf riches are MINE!" Furtz cackled maniacally.
Then I proceeded to do my own evil laugh, which I have been told is quite good. Furtz seemed to think so, as he now looked at me with great concern and worry. I then said, "You fool! Your soul is now mine! Don't you know how the Dark Lord works!? He is all about souls! How else do you think he commands such vast armies full of goblins as mighty as you are? Now you must do EVERYTHING I say!"
The mention of the Dark Lord seemed to have the intended effect, as now Furtz was trembling before me. "Oh no! W-well, what do I have to do now?" Trevor huffed and rolled his eyes. He was quite used to my bullshit by that point and knew not to get in the way of it, so he had been quietly watching this amusing spectacle the whole time.
Well, then I put my newly purchased goblin soul right to work! "Now you must open my cage! And then you must murder all of the guards in this cave! And I command you NOT to touch my merchandise!" Furtz sobbed as he opened my cage. "Aw man, this sucks! But you have my soul now, so I have no choice. Uhh...do I kill the guards quickly or do I make it as painful as possible?" I briefly contemplated my options. "Make it quick, quiet, and as painless as possible!" Furtz groaned in great distress. "Taking all the fun out of killing. You really are terrible! Just wait until I get my soul back! When I kill you it won't be painless! No sir!" I did another evil laugh. "We shall see about that! Now get to work!"
Furtz was able to kill all the other guards quite easily, as they had all been drunk out of their minds celebrating their easy and very profitable catch. So once my goblin soul was done with his quick, quiet, and painless work, me and Trevor were able to sneak out of the goblin cave with all the merchandise intact and untouched! And afterwards we were all able to get safely to Rivendell once Rompli had finally decided that he had scared away his imaginary giant. And now with a new funny story to add to my collection of absurd tales no less! Funny stories can be very valuable!
I don't know what happened to my dear goblin soul, but wherever Furtz is now I hope that he is doing what counts as well for orcs and that he now knows to value his soul more and to not sell it to random Dwarf merchants for only three copper coins! But as for myself, I think buying Furtz's soul was one of the best investments I ever made! As it gave me a funny story AND spared me from the great expense of losing all of my merchandise to goblins! Two great services for the price of one! So perhaps Furtz's soul was worth quite a lot after all!
