(A Tale told by Wybert's little cousin, Oxslip, at the Brockenboring's New Year's Party roleplaying event held at the Plough and Stars on 2nd January 2026)
Bungo Bunce sat expectantly in his parlour. Every so often he would glance excitedly towards the wall where his fine oakwood clock hung. The rhythmic swing of the pendulum was accompanied by a steady ‘tick tock’.
Set before him on a table was a tray. On that tray sat twelve freshly baked pies. Each one was different. There were savoury meat pies, some oozing gravy, cheese pies, fish pies and sweet pies too dripping with fruits and cream and honey.
At last the two hands of the clock were nearly ready to meet at the top of the dial. His gammer had told him about this old family custom on New Year’s Eve. He was very proud to be keeping up the tradition – he was also, of course, very hungry!
On the stroke of midnight the clock chimed and without hesitation Bungo grabbed the first pie and devoured it whole. On each stroke he gobbled down another pie until there were only crumbs left on the table. The well-stuffed hobbit tried to rise to his feet but his head was spinning and he fell and lay slumped in his chair.
When he awoke he was lying on his back on his own kitchen counter. A huge face looked down on him. It was the face of an old woman with a long nose who grinned at him with iron teeth. She was a giantess and her body filled the room. She seemed to be mixing something in an enormous bowl. Bungo looked up in horror as her two giant hands grabbed him by the waist and began to roll him on the counter, coating him in the sticky contents of her mixing bowl.
When he was almost completely covered in pastry dough he shut his eyes in horror as she opened the door of the blazing oven. He was placed in a dish and before he passed out completely he felt the scorching heat of the flames.
He awoke some time later as the oven door opened and the old woman lifted the dish out and placed it on the kitchen table. Bungo found that his whole body was encased in a pastry crust from the neck down. The old woman eyed him greedily.
“Mmmmm”, she said.
Bungo had never thought or acted more quickly in his life. Pushing his legs through the base of the pie he leapt from the dish, off the table and out through the door. The old woman followed with an angry cry but her bony chicken legs were no match for the terrified hobbit. Once he realised he was getting away that cheeky lad cried out:
“Run, run, as fast as you may,
You can’t catch this hobbit pie if you should run all day!”
Bungo ran and ran all the way past Waymeet. The folk there rubbed their eyes in disbelief at seeing a large pie run past carried on two fat little hobbit legs.
As he ran into a field he came across one of Dora Brownlock’s chickens.
“Cluck, cluck,” said the chicken. “I’d like to peck you.”
But Bungo just laughed and ran off, calling:
“Run, run, if you want a piece of pie,
But you won’t catch me however hard you try!”
As he ran on down a track Bungo saw a wolf on the path ahead.
“Grrr, grrr,” growled the wolf, “I’m going to eat you.”
“Hah!” cried Bungo, “you’ll have to catch me first!” and he ran past calling,
“Run, run, you’re just a great big puppy,
If you want some pie then you’d better hurry uppy!”
Next Bungo came to a deep stream at the edge of a marsh. Standing there was a sly fox.
“Why good day to you,” said the fox politely. “Maybe I can help you across the stream. Would you like to climb on my back?”
But Bungo just grinned and called out,
“Cunning Master Fox, I’m afraid I must refuse,
If you want some of this pie you’ll need to find a better ruse!”
And with that Bungo ran across the bridge into the marsh beyond.
There, I bet you all expected the sly fox to eat Bungo up - but hobbits are pretty smart too.
Deep in the marsh Bungo came to a knoll – and guess what, sitting there on the knoll was a troll.
“Mmmmm,” said the troll. “Lunch!”
Bungo was feeling pretty confident by now and he just laughed out loud at the stupid creature. He was about to run off when he realised his foot had sunk in the mud and he couldn’t move. However hobbits are stealthy and can make themselves seem to disappear into the landscape when they need to and that’s what he did. The troll stood up and looked around in confusion. Disappointed, and with a heavy sigh, he sat down again - right on top of Bungo who was completely flattened beneath a pile of pastry crumbs.
Bungo woke up to find himself still slumped in front of an empty tray with the clock gently tick-tocking in the background. His friend Bebo was gently shaking him.
“Come along, lazybones, we’ll be late for the party.”
Bungo told his friend about his terrible dream. Bebo tutted and said:
“You don’t want to be having dreams like that – I expect it’s because yer not eating enough!”
The two friends made their way to the Plough and Stars where a happy crowd was gathered and a hobbit girl with a lute was about to sing a song to celebrate New Year…
