(Story read at the Grand Summer Picnic and Pie Rolling Event held on The Hill, July 2023)
The Spy in the Pie
Lingo Lightfoot was not a happy hobbit. Not surprising, since he found himself pinned against the entrance to Bag End by the very sharp point of an umbrella wielded by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.
Dripping from the edge of his mouth was the sweet and sticky evidence of his most recent crime, the reason for him having earned Lobelia’s displeasure, if indeed anyone needed a reason to incur the wrath of that most unsympathetic and ill-tempered individual.
“My strawberries,” she hissed shrilly, “my prize strawberries! Why I’d have the shirriff on you if I thought that lazy layabout would do anything about it!”
Instead, she raised the umbrella from Lingo’s midriff and examined the pointed tip closely, as if to test its sharpness, before directing it towards Lingo once more. Lingo trembled beneath her gaze.
All at once, though, her expression changed from one of anger to one of calculated consideration.
“Maybe,” she said, “just maybe…” Lingo gawped, open-mouthed, as she looked him up and down for several minutes. Finally, seeming to have made up her mind about something, she spoke again.
“Now listen here, my lad. I’ve a job for you. If you know what’s good for you, you’re going to do exactly as I tell you. Do we understand each other?” At this she prodded Lingo sharply once more and the terrified hobbit nodded dumbly.
“Some of them noisy hobbits round here are planning a picnic up there on The Hill, like they does every year around this time. I won’t have it, and I’m going to put a stop to them this year for sure. Trouble is, I don’t know exactly when they’re coming and I needs to know so I can arrange for some little accidents before they gets here.
“So here’s my plan. I have ordered a giant pie from a very famous baker in Bree Town and it’s going to be delivered to me here secretly. Thing is – there’s nothing inside. That’s where you comes in. Yer going to hide in the pie and I’ll have it delivered to that Lina Willowwood, what’s always organising noisy events and making a right nuisance of herself all round the Shire for respectable hobbits such as me. When it’s delivered you’ve got to listen out and you’re sure to find out when they’re planning their picnic. Soon as you do, you can lift the pie lid and sneak out and run back to tell me their plans.”
Not many are brave enough to argue with Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, so the next day Lingo found himself climbing inside the case of a beautifully baked pie on to which was placed a crusty pie lid. The pie, with Lingo inside, was duly delivered by three strong hobbits, hired by Lobelia, to the hole of Lina Willowwood, along with a message which read:- ‘From a wellwisher. For the Summer Picnic’
Lina was, of course, delighted and, placing the pie on her kitchen table she ran to the home of her good friend Pycella Woodberry, who was a very famous Pie Maven, renowned throughout the Shire and beyond. Pycella came round immediately and was most impressed by such fine baking, although both were intrigued by what kind of filling it might have. Sniff as they might, they could not identify it – I suppose neither of them had encountered hobbit pie before.
Pycella said that they would have to transport the pie to The Hill for the picnic very carefully indeed and she ran back to her house and brought her largest wooden pie box into which, with some difficulty, the two placed the pie. Pycella then locked the box for, as she said, with such a fine pie you can never be too careful.
Inside the pie, Lingo Lightfoot lay in darkness – he could see and hear nothing. He thought that maybe he should call out, but even if he was heard he would have a lot of explaining to do and, besides, he was still afraid of what Lobelia might do to him.
The next day, a by now very hungry and thirsty hobbit was taken on a bumpy ride up The Hill, carried there by unseen hands, and the muffled sounds of music and revelry barely reached him until Lina and Pycella unlocked the pie box and lifted it on to a picnic table where it rested in pride of place, with Lingo still inside.
Imagine the torment Lingo suffered as all around him he could hear hungry hobbits munching on all manner of fine foods and supping on drinks of all kinds while he lay there parched and half-starved. Then silence fell. “Now then,” Lina announced, and told everybody that she was going to cut into the enormous pie which had been so generously gifted by an anonymous donor and about which there had been so much speculation regarding its filling. Lingo shut his eyes and tried to make himself as small as possible.
Suddenly, another voice was raised from afar and it was one he recognised.
“Where’s that hobbit? I’ll skewer him proper, make no mistake, I will. And you lot – be off with you, disturbing the peace with your noise and making a mess!”
The sight of Lobelia Sackville-Baggins approaching at speed armed with an umbrella is enough to strike fear into the heart of any hobbit and the assembled company scattered, taking all sorts of routes to escape her, running, jumping, falling, rolling, diving for cover, trampling down Lobelia’s garden on the way and all, one way or another, ending up at the bottom of the hill by the Party Tree.
One hobbit, however, had more reason than most to dread her and Lingo Lightfoot jumped to his feet, his head appearing through the pie lid and two legs emerging from beneath the case and he fled for his life.
At the bottom of the Hill the picnic-goers had regrouped and looked on in astonishment at the sight of a giant pie running as fast as its short legs could carry it, closely pursued by an umbrella-wielding virago uttering the most violent threats and curses. The pair were last seen heading in the direction of Waymeet and as they disappeared from view the happy hobbits made their way back up The Hill to enjoy the rest of their picnic.
And a good time was had by all!
