Estarfin had always been a ner of few, and measured words. At least such was truth since I had come across him, alive and well, after a fashion, in Imladris. As a youth he had been a little more reserved than some. But in the days before he rode with Forodhir and those select among the armour-smiths of Caranthir as envoy to Barad Eithel, he had also been oft joyful. I cannot know what was in his mind in those days, nor even this day, but I do know regret was not to the fore. Truly, he had seemed more an elemental spirit in those times. Fire, of course, swift of thought and movement, bringing warmth and intensity to whatever he focused upon. But such is the nature of the Doom of the Noldor, of we Feanorians, that naught turned out as we willed. Not then. It appears not now.
Ai, Estarfin! If only there were a way to re-ignite what we both once were.
He speaks little. And I, … I have oft spoken too much…
~ ~ ~
“Where else would I go? Westwards?” he had said. There was no bitterness in his voice, but I knew, with just those words, he was angry with me.
I lowered my head, feeling the intensity of his gaze. He wanted an answer. Why had I travelled West without a word to him? He had thought I intended to take ship, and that was so far from the truth it pained me in turn.
“No, no. I would not have thought you would head West.” I said in a softer tone. “It was not my intent to head West those few years ago, save at necessity. I left a letter with the Lord explaining my reason. But since then I have wandered much. Something in my blood, mayhap, from the days after the Nirnaeth Arnoediad?”
I did not add that my real wanderings began nigh the time of the assault on Doriath. When I lost my father. When I already believed he was slain. I thought something in him relented at that moment, just a tiny amount.
“I have never been one to wander. Not without cause. Yet it seems you travel far. For what purpose, and why alone?” he stated. He adjusted the clasp on his cloak.
And something in me relented. Like a sudden understanding clearing my vision. “Why was he asking such questions? We were not enemies, neither un-friends of any kind. Oh, we would always have disagreements, such was our natures. But it was time to set matters clear.
I sighed, and looked him in the eye. “Of the most recent days I would say I travel because of Lord Daegond’s passing. I felt it as a physical blow, as did many others no doubt. He understood me better than most. And in turn, I had high regard for his..shall we say more unorthodox ways?”
Estarfin nodded.
“It was as if part of ‘us’, part of the Noldor remnant was taken from us, and we are all the poorer for it.”
As if on cue, a cold wind whipped up from the north, blowing Estarfin’s wild hair like a flag triumphant behind him, and mine as a flame fanning in my face.
“It was a loss I did not expect,” said Estarfin.
I turned so we stood side by side, thinking Daegond would have had something to say about our meeting, were he here. “Neither did I expect him to ever fall.” I continued. “I pondered the matter too much upon my return to Mithlond. I became withdrawn as I considered all our struggles and losses yet again.”
Estarfin seemed momentarily lost in his own recollections. I was thinking my mourning was a more private matter, and one best partaken away from Imladis, but also that old ‘anger’ at Mandos’ curse stirred in my breast that I knew Estarfin and I were more alike than he likely realised.
His eyes focused again, points of light and flame and will.
“Since then, two things have kept me from seeking you. The first, another thing unexpected. A betrayal by one much respected, that descended into spite unlooked for. And she not even one of our kind that it should affect me overly.”
At that, Estarfin frowned.
‘Not of our kind’ was likely in his mind. I held up a hand. “I will speak no more of that, save to say I can learn from all experiences. The second matter is that I did ride twice to the Vale, and found Belegos there. He was searching for us both.”
Estarfin looked surprised. “I wondered….”
I should have allowed Estarfin to finish what he was saying. I admit it. I oft speak too much. Instead I continued my point. “I went to see you, but you were not to be found, neither did any I ask have information. Then, the second time, there was Belegos outside Lord Elrond’s house, also seeking you. We talked. He stayed in the Vale for two days before setting off on some mission to the East. I fear for him. I believe he is unwell.”
“What illness could assail him?” Estarfin asked, looking confused.
It was not the time to tell Estarfin all I knew. I told him part of the tale. “Belegos was away with some group seeking to wreak havoc on our enemies, by the sound of his words. But he also told me he had earlier travelled to the port, intending to sail West himself, only to find, when it came to it, he could not. At least not yet.”
And Estarfin looked troubled for his ..our old friend. “Have we so little time? It was only yesterday he told us he would sail. But I thought that time would be an Age or more away…..”
“I tried to encourage him to stay, at least until you returned that we could all speak. But I could not, would not hold him back from the business he chose to be about. He took on a small house in the Vale, but to my knowledge has never returned.”
“I received his letter, of course!” Estarfin sighed.”But I had….other things …to consider.”
“I wish we could all have spoken. But alas, it was not to be. He is unwell in spirit. Rightly do you say no illness, nor injury could bring him low. He had wandered before I met him, he said. And his heart had been rendered by matters around him.”
“Despair? I never thought he would succumb so soon…” there was concern on Estarfin’s features. They had been good friends.
“I never thought Belegos would despair. I never thought we would lose the Hound!” I replied. “You ask why I travel alone? Of late it is because I have much to consider, and Mithlond was become too busy for me, with others seeking to sail. That does not mean I wish travelling alone to be a permanent state.”
“It is true then, that you travelled alone to the shores of the sea?”
And I had spoken too much. I had been off my guard. No matter. The next round would be mine.
