Dear wise and ever gracious Mayor Will Whitfoot,
I am an aspiring Dwarf merchant who has had the immense honor of frequently travelling through and doing business in the Shire. My dealings with your people have been nothing but pleasant. The joy I see in the faces of my hobbit customers when they purchase such beautiful discount jewelry at such a bargain of a price is worth more than all of the hoarded gold in all of my native Erebor. And believe me, that is not easy for me to admit! But ever since the events involving that exceedingly eccentric Bilbo Baggins, us Dwarves have learned to regard the opinions of hobbits with more humility. And we had to learn the hard way of course!
But historical pleasantries aside, as a dear friend of the Shire folk I have a pressing concern to bring to your attention. I know what you are expecting: a seemingly polite but subtly veiled threat about the recent tariffs you chose to impose upon Dwarven imports into the Shire. I am certain you have already received far too many of such threats. Far more than such wise and gracious mayor such as yourself deserves! But that is not the intention of this letter, as I believe the tariffs are absolutely justified. The local hobbits smiths will now have an opportunity to improve their craft, and no Dwarf worth his beard would ever discourage the improvement of craftsmanship.
But rather there is another concern that I have that you must consider. During the Dwarven Caravan Market at Needlehole, we had a thief rob us. A human thief, easily twice the size of your average hobbit. And she is now at large running freely about the Shire as she had successfully escaped the justice of your Bounders. I shudder to think of what she plans to do now. But that is a problem to be resolved by your wise judgement for another time. What concerns me is why she saw it fit to trouble the Shire. Why she decided to attack an otherwise peaceful hobbit settlement.
It is because of the newly instituted tariffs. I’ve seen this happen countless times during my many travels throughout Middle-Earth. A well meaning leader of a village seeks to improve the craft of his people and so restricts Dwarven imports, but then this in turn attracts the attention of all manner of unsavory folk now that they no longer need to compete with Dwarven quality. Brigands, wild men of the untamed mountains and forests, and even Orcs. This sordid affair usually ends with the said leader being brutally tortured and executed, with his corpse being put on public display in order to terrorize the rest of the village into submission. So that being said, I am quite certain this human thief’s attack on Needlehole is just the beginning. Countless more foreign elements shall be invading the Shire in order to violently claim its riches for themselves.
But do not panic! This may have been the fate of countless other villages I have visited in the past, but the Shire is special! Hobbits have a hidden reserve of courage, as us Dwarves have learned, so I trust you will be willing to take up arms and fight to defend your homeland when the time comes. And I assure you that time will come, and very soon! But I have absolute faith in your courage. I know that as my beard is long you will be willing to fight to the bitter end to defend the honor of the Shire. And so shall your faithful Bounders. Sure many hobbits will die especially gruesome deaths, and there might be a famine or two resulting from the sudden murder of countless farmers. But I know that the hobbits, despite the extreme suffering they will have to endure, will be able to successfully defend the sovereignty of the Shire! It is safe to say honor is above both hoarded gold and food and cheer, so the hobbits will have to do without both in order to survive the coming onslaught.
I mean you could always just remove the tariffs. That would cause the aforementioned foreign elements to immediately lose interest in the Shire. Not only would they have to compete with Dwarven quality again, but they are intimately aware of how well guarded Dwarven caravans are. The Shire would simply continue its peaceful and prosperous existence without any foreign interruption. But quietly resolving this issue is hardly the stuff of legends! And you must stick to your principles! You cannot remove the tariffs just because you are afraid of the carnage and destruction that will surely come as a result of the tariffs. So I strongly advice you NOT to remove them. Though of course it is ultimately your decision, and I will respect any course of action you choose to take. Just be prepared for a long and vicious fight should you continue with your plan to keep the tariffs in place, as I am sure you will.
Yours truly,
Frimsi Gembeard, Merchant of the Lonely Mountain
...Needless to say, upon finishing reading this most courteous yet entirely deceitful letter, Mayor Will Whitfoot immediately ordered for the tariffs on Dwarven imports to be removed...
