On Hizzoner’s Secret Service (Part the Last)
“We now move on,” Bodo Bunce announced, “to the last and most serious of the charges the Committee has leveled against the Mayor’s Office: Rampant Hooliganism. Masters Broadbelt and Fallohide shall state their case – if they can…”
Goldenod Fallohide positively glared at Hugo Broadbelt, silently telling to keep his mouth shut and let him do the talking. “Shirriff Bunce, in this matter, the individual complaints provided the Committee are the most numerous, coming from hobbits of good repute from Michel Delving to Stock. There are reports of that eagle – well, that’s been answered – as well as, well, the reports of crops trampled and a shattered fence in the Eastfarthing, pies being spoiled all over the Shire –“
“An’ a missing person’s report from th’ Marish involvin’ a young hobbit-lass,” Hugo blurted out, “along with that black Big Folk scaring townsfolk in Budgeford, an’ –“
Lancogard North-took was seething at this point, and replied with a shouted “Balderdash, all of it!!” He rose from his seat and stood before Goldy and Hugo, addressing them like hobbit-tweens caught truant.
“The crops and fence in the Eastfarthing I know all about, and so does the Mayor’s Office – because I was involved! Those damages were the result of a wolfpack that had taken up in the Bridgefields, and I was on hand to hunt down their leader and run them off! And those pies? That was all a tragic error caused by inattentive food preparation, nothing at all to do with Elves or Big Folk!
“The big, scary black figure was none other than a drunken Fallohide (sound like anyone you know, Goldy?), and the missing person was a foolish member of another committee who went snooping where she shouldn’t!
“Each and every one of those incidents were troubles that the Shirriffs and the Bounders had to fix – with little help to speak of from committees or concerned citizens – busybody fat noses, I call them instead! And if you don’t believe me, then look up the case files I sent to Shirriff Bunce and Primstone of the Watch in Brockenborings, if you’ve a mind!” Lance stomped back to his chair and sat down hard, his face a study of both anger and weariness, clearly tired out from the exchange.
Shirriff Bunce spoke up after a pregnant pause. “Well! So, Master Proudfoot, as standing for the Mayor’s Office, have you anything to ask Deputy North-took at this point?”
“I wish to make it plain,” Charliman Proudfoot stood and said, “that the Shire is lucky to have such a dedicated Shirriff, or Deputy, as Master North-took. His exploits and labors on behalf of all hobbits is on record and beyond refute.” Lance nodded his thanks to Charlie, who continued.
“Each of the complaints brought forth by the Citizens’ Action Committee, while they are within the Rules and done with all propriety, have been established as both frivolous and unnecessary, in the light of Deputy North-took’s expert testimony. It is the opinion of the Mayor’s Office that, upon review, all charges in this case be dismissed.”
“Duly noted, and taken into account,” Bunce said. Turning to Goldy and Hugo, he said, “And what is the opinion of the Committee?”
Hugo opened his mouth, but an elbow in the ribs from Goldy silenced him in time. Goldy spoke up, “Shirriff Bunce, Master Proudfoot, the Committee respectfully offers that all charges in this case be dismissed, save one: the charge of Rampant Hooliganism. I ask Deputy North-took, formally, is he can offer any assurance that we can take back to the Committee at large? Can our members expect further complaints or incidents involving this – what was it – House Barn-in-Ekarn, if I heard you right?”
Lance stood again and said, “House Bar-en-Acharn, correctly; seeing as these complaints came from nosey neighbors and gossips, I cannot guarantee that something will not upset them in future, whether it be they, or any of this lot gathered round us. The Shire I serve once held hospitality to travelers in high regard, though it seems to have fallen off of late. But the Shirriffs and the Bounders will keep their watch, all the same, and make answer to any concerns that hobbits may bring.”
“And that, masters, is all anyone could ever ask,” Goldy offered. “Very well, Shirriff Bunce, in this matter, the Committee withdraws its petition and all charges.”
“Then I declare all charges voided, and this matter is closed!” Bunce shouted for all the hobbits to hear. And Lance breathed a tired sigh, hoping the Bird and Baby was still serving pot pie and ale…
