Madaurbeth,
Yule. Yule is so strange and fascinating. I don't get the reasoning behind sticking trees in houses and decorating them, or kissing under mistletoe, or whoever father yule is. Why lie to children about something that doesn't exist? Yet, Yule just feels so special, so fun, and so big. Egfor and Demlemoth already are having fun and I love watching them! I have been barreling poor Egfor with questions about Yule, I've bought Yule cookbooks, and I have been decorating! Poinsettias, garland, holly, mistletoe, evergreen branches, pinecones... Pretty ornaments and paper snowflakes. I wonder if Nimraph, with his love for stuffy dark basements, will complain about too much greenery. I hope not. I want our home to be comforting, not off putting.
The snow itself is so beautiful! Every snowflake is so intricate, the snowfall is gentle and elegant. And the blankets of snow sparkle in the sunlight and make everything look wonderfully simple. I love the snow on the trees, and the gusts of wind spraying dustings of snow in the air. I could watch the snow through my window forever. I could stand outside catching snowflakes as the boys play for ages. As I take care of the chickens and Muigroch, I could be enticed by the beauty of winter for such a long time.
Of course, snow also has its downsides. It is becoming even more difficult to travel between Millshaw and Bree-town, with my pregnancy and the winter both fighting against me. The cold is something I am used to from life in Mordor, but it still makes me shiver. And the snow is harder to step through, wade through like heavier water. Snow makes simple tasks more difficult, as I need to brush or shovel snow around. Nimraph and the servants have taken over so much of my work! I feel useless, after all this time.
As a whole, I just feel more and more like dead weight. I struggle to wake up in the morning, and I never feel like I can get anything done. Yule and taking trips to the Pony again have helped me to gain some of my old energy back. I feel happy, excited, over the upcoming Yule. Yet, I am in such high spirits, I think I have been acting more... immature, lately. I know Nimraph is a down to earth person, I only call him NimNim when we are alone. Yet, the other day I called "NimNim" to him in the Pony, and I fear I had embarrassed him.
I have been... giddy. I sing Yule songs of riding in sleighs around the house, and Dammon looks at me like I'm crazy. Furthermore, a close friend recently made me feel like a nuisance simply for being around. How do I respond to that? It hurts, just like the rejection of the pure blooded Black Numenoreans of Mordor hurt, but this is worse. It is one of my best friends who made me feel this way. And I crave not violence in response, but weeping.
Have I been getting on everyone's nerves? Am I too energetic? Am I annoying? Please let it not be so.
The top level of my concerns are even worse than that, unfortunately. A general of Gondor has been hunting me, seeking for me. He says it is for pardon, but how can I be sure? Nimraph, Egfor, and Demlemoth are all suspicious. I trust them completely, and I have already placed the protection of my life, and the protection of my twins more importantly, in their hands. I learned to trust them back when we hid from my father and from Angmar. This time, I will not fight them. Not just for me, but for my babies, I must place our fragile lives in their sturdy hands.
The pregnancy itself is going well, according to Raemond. I feel awful, but everything awful is normal, or the doctor says. How do other women do this? This is impossibly hard! I asked my mother how she managed me in Nurn, she says that with Lord Aglarzor allowing pregnant slaves to not work, it was easy. Easy! Ha... At least all the swelling, exhaustion, imbalance, and everything else are normal. I have nothing to worry about. My wonderful babies are in good health. That is what is important, my babies. I would do anything, go through triple more this weakness, to make sure they are healthy and safe.
I made my first batch of gingerbread cookies. Demlemoth is not a sweettooth, and even he liked them! I was so happy when he admitted that. Tomorrow, when day breaks, I need to talk to Nimraph about Demlemoth's suggestion of getting involved in donations. I want to. I was a vile person, still am, I have so much to atone for. Could the Beggers Alley be that first step?
I should stop rambling. I am sitting in Nimraph's little workshop. As he is studying botany, I am writing. I can tell Dammon is watching us through the crack in the door. I must remain positive. For my children. Regardless of how I truly feel.
~ Who's name do I even sign anymore? I still don't know who I am.
