Madaurbeth,
Another day in these walls. I cannot write the apology letter, but I have been writing those ten things to be grateful for. I have tonight's list right next to you on the table. It is nighttime and Nimraph has not come in for sleep yet. Sleep or some other things before we sleep. One of the things I have listed are the boys, Dammon and Briar. Dammon is such a sweet little boy. He is more engrossed in the kitten Obsidian than even I am, and that is saying something. Briar is one crazy little boy, but he makes me smile. When Nimraph and Dammon are both more quiet, Briar is loud and wild. I love them both, and I still worry constantly on if I am doing something wrong.
Today I offered to watch the boys for Nimraph while he rested and finished his assignment from Egfor, if the time was right. I let the boys play in the yard, I had the tools out to continue weeding, but I was unable to bring myself to do the task. Perhaps it was best anyhow, I had to stop Briar from jumping off the stage countless times. I did have fun teaching Dammon about some of the different flowers in the yard.
Obsidian is sleeping a lot still, but is eating and drinking a healthy amount. With enough rest, her cold should be history.
Demlemoth and Egfor have not visited much. Are they that disappointed in me? I find it so hard to carry on these days. Dammon asked for blueberry muffins when we got inside and I simply did not want to bake them. Of course, I did, there's one left out for Nimraph when he comes in. Yet, it felt draining to bake, and something I usually enjoy doing felt like an act of dull labor. At least, I could see the boys smile as they ate. I could not bring myself to eat one, for I deserve no such treat.
Have I eaten at all today?
Egfor's sisters tried to talk to me today. I don't remember the conversations, I just remember slipping into my room as soon as I could. How can I form a bond with any of them when I'm such a terrible friend to the friends I have?
Nimraph just walked in and is devouring the muffin, silly man. Now he is coming to me. I should stop writing now.
~
