Everyone has their own solutions to problems. Their own perceptions of each individual. Lately, I have been worrying about how my son perceives me. Will he remember me as the madwoman that gave up everything to live as a commoner in some far-flung end of Eriador? Or will he remember me as a Mother that tried her best even when everything in her was screaming to give up?
When others want to come and help me, my immediate response is skepticism. What is the price for their help? What will come back to bite me later on?
I never wanted to give up everything, not truly, as I was growing up my Mother was someone that I deeply admired but it was always from a distance. I only saw her smile once and when she graced me with that single smile I think was my fondest memory of her.
Just knowing that in some small way, that I contributed to her happiness, was enough for me to forgive any rift that was created between us.
I think that is what made me such a strange child. The idea of someone else hurting, the things, that I would pick up on. Sensitive, yes. But weak? No, not in the slightest.
These are my reflections, the reflections I attempt to hold back. To protect the sanity of others.
Now, when others address me, as 'Lady Aellwenn.' I want nothing more than to cut their tongues out.
I have fallen so far from that life, that when anyone calls out my linage it makes me feel like they are mocking me.
I've learned to blend in so well with crowds from all walks of life. If only to protect me, because few can see beyond the surface.
I am a walking paradox.
And to hide that paradox from those who would only cast me out. I blend in and become whatever is expected in the setting.
This is why I miss Raymond so dearly, he was my shelter. I never had to hide or pretend when I was with him. He simply understood.
I keep telling myself to move on.
One day I hope my words, will finally, hold conviction.
Sometimes I am a lynx waiting to pounce upon prey that stands in my way. Other days, I am like a princess waiting for a prince to come to save her from her tower and perhaps herself.
These are the end of my reflections for today.
