The handwriting in this journal is shaky at best. A shadow of its former grace. But the author would hope that no one read this entry.
I've been in bed for two days at least or is it three? It feels like it's been a decade, this is why we can't ever put all our trust in lady luck. The ceiling still spins from time to time and I hate the fact that someone else must be responsible for my health. But that's what healers are for right? It's better to let him do his job I suppose. The smell of herbs and medicine is rather potent here. However it reminds me of the Houses of Healing in Minas Tirith. The healer's name is Elias a man from Gondor. He's been 'observing' me and writing on a pad of paper. I have to admit it makes me a little nervous. I've tried to ignore what he may be writing down. I just don't like feeling as if I'm a specimine to disect. He does seem decent enough though. My stomach has been churning every other hour the feeling of anxiety kicking in. I've yet to vomit and I refuse be seen in such a condition. I'm almost in tears but even those I won't dare to shed. It's the night terrors again. The blasted night terrors.. the doors that I thought were shut. They've opened again. I'm not going to even bother telling the healer about this.
I don't want him to think I'm some madwoman. My mind keeps wanting to remind me of the house fire at the estate. It's been nearly a decade but.. all those souls. Gone.. and for what? One girl's absurd desire for grandeur in a land of farmers? Eru.. or anyone who is listening, please forgive me. Please show me what to do. I feel like a frightened girl all over again.
Nathan has stayed by my side during my time in the infirmary but he's a simple man. Only capable of understanding the simple joys and pleasures in life. At least that is what I have come to understand. He's not the type to comfort either and so I keep my dilemma to myself. At least he's a friendly face. I feel as if I'm slowly losing myself, slipping away, but this will end. It has to. I need to get back to my boy.
