It was a long day and an even longer evening, I write these words, with happiness and spite. I promised myself after Raymond died that I would focus all my efforts on my son. We've endured together after his passing. But then Lycoan came into my life, it hasn't even been three months and he's professed his love to me.
What does he know of love? With venom in my heart, I told him that I loved him too. He did not know of this venom or of my life before I came hither. I sense that he is a lost man and he seeks his purpose through me. I also get the notion that Demlemoth dislikes my upbringing. If he mentions it again, I believe I will confront him. If it is one thing I am not, it is a coward. I will not be humiliated or ashamed simply because of the life that I was born into. If he is going to be anywhere around my dear boy, then there needs to be mutual respect. I have not questioned his way of living or the relationship that he has with Egfor. Even though those lifestyles are so vastly different than my own!
If none will defend me or speak for me. I will do so myself, I find it altogether numbing, that I feel more alone in a crowd of late than I do in total solitude. When I'd visit Imloth Melui as a girl and I felt this way, I'd retreat to the gardens near Father's estate. He'd find me and chide me for escaping the care of Mistress Gleoith. Who of course had fewer gray hairs then. Now I am left with the question. Did he regret what he had done to me? My mind is so cluttered these days. And yet I put on a smile for Freawine. So that he may not be plagued with my own uncertainty so that he can learn how to be a man. If one day the worst is to come and then I could hope he would defend himself.
