(Being the continuation of a letter from Applecider Bolingbroke to Lancogard North-Took, on the subjects of Elf Toast, and slowly-forming antics …)
Me discovery of Elf-Toast were a bit of a happy accident.
T’were a season or so back: I were in Bree for a few weeks, busking the Pony. The proprietor Mister Butterbur were nervous one day at lunch, cause that grumpy codger, Mister Gandalf were in, an’ he makes Mister Butterbur nervous. Well, I always be in want of a new fantastical story ter make ballads of, an’ Mister Gandalf be known to Hobbits. So I says I’d take ‘im lunch, no worries.
Mister Gandalf were on his way to a secret Elfin vale they calls River-Dell. Thar be where that mad loon Old Baggins were said to have ended up.
So natch I says ter him, can I come too? That sounded like a fun jaunt.
Mister Gandalf looked at me in that way he has, an’ says aye, so long as me Hobbit legs can keep up with his horse. Now, this were afore I saved up enough coin to purchase Jonagold; I wandered on foot in those days. So he were infuriatingly assured of ‘imself, an’ I were properly peeved.
So after I stomped off pretending ter go have a sulk, I hids meself in his haversack, an’ tipped the hostler to saddle up for ‘im, so’s Mister Gandalf wouldn’t notice.
T’were a plan most cunning, an’ we made it WELL beyond the bounds of Bree afore he stopped fer the night an’ opened his bag fer some provender an’ found me.
The adjectives he used in the moment were very creative, even if he weren’t very polite about it. But he were too far come to turn back. So I gots me wish, an’ he says my punishment’d be having to hoof it back meself.
Well!
River-Dell were about the most delightful place I ever laid eyes on, east o’ the Greenfields. T’were a sight almost magical, an’ no mistake.
Elrond be the name o’ the Elf Gaffer what runs the place. He asks Mister Gandalf why every time he turns up these days, he always gots another Perian with him (thar be Elfish fer Hobbit).
Turns out, though, Gaffer Elrond also be the father o’ Mister Sir Halros’s captain Mister Sir Strider’s lady-friend. And a happy thing thar be, too:
Missie Arwen were nice as rice.
She thought the whole thing were a lark!
As she says ter her Gaffer, t’were the first time Mister Gandalf ever turned up in River-Dell with a Hobbit LASS ter visit: We’d make a lovely time of it.
She were right about that!
Secretly twixt you an’ me, Lance, I wonder if Missie Arwen be a bit lonely: She gots brothers. But they always be out an’ about the wide world, getting up to antics with other Elfs, or with them Tall-Folks’ Bounders in hoods, like Mister Sir Halros’s people.
(Won’t lie, though: Mister Sir Elladan’s not at all displeasing on the eyes – “Sweet Light Melon” indeed .... as the Elfs say. Yowza!)
BUT I digress.
Missie Arwen an’ I were about the place all week: We rode all the way up the slopes overlooking the frigid Falls what plunges down from the Misty Mountains. We played music fer hours (me on the lute singin’ alto; she on the harp an’ soprano). We read books (Bullroarer witness me: Thar be more books in River-Dell than there are Hobbits in Budgeford – SO many music books ... I be aching for ‘em even now).
I showed her the strathspey all Hobbits learn to dance from our sprout years, an’ she showed me a slow an’ elegant Elf reel – Makes a body feel high-born just going through the steps.
An’ then (this be the part I said were a bit clandestine), she asked me (in me opinion), what manner o’ dish makes a gentleman not of the Elfin persuasion happiest. ... I didn’t quite say “ooOOooh,” but I came near ‘nuff, Lance.
Now, some might argue thar be a matter o’ debate. But based on experience, betwixt me own gaffer, me four brothers, Bounder Chubb that one time I had ter bribe him ter overlook me little mishap with the goat an’ the jar o’ blackberry jam (t’were an accident, really), Mister Gandalf, an’ Mister Sir Halros? Thar be a very simple answer:
Pie.
So we busied ourselves in the House kitchens, an’ I showed her me quick an’ easy spiced apple pie, beef-an’-veggie pie, cheese pie, an’ rhubarb pie.
She loved ‘em (judgin' by how fast the rhubarb disappeared, her brother Mister Sir Elrohir did, too). – And in turn? She showed me how to make Elf Toast!
Says I gots ter keep it a secret (it's a Lady thing, apparently), but now I can make it whenever I like.
I didn’t even have to leg it home by meself: a little Elf entourage were due to pay a visit to the harbor town west of Needlehole, an’ their lead let me ride along behind on ‘is roan horse. Mister Gilbert, he were called: Gilbert Inglorious. He were charming company too, an’ we made excellent time back to Shirelands.
So Mister Gandalf’s nefarious revenge upon me were ruined. (HAH!!!)
But now I comes to the plan I be forming, Lance:
Missie Arwen says I needs ter come back to River-Dell in future ... but in springtime: Says the valley’s at its very best when all the daffodils an’ bluebells an’ azaleas an’ violets an’ cherry trees all burst into bloom at once.
As I sits here watching me Elf Toast bake – And given me budding interest in growing more o’ the Kingsfoil weed after our recent escapade – I be cogitating upon a means to meander the Trail of Logic however circuitously it takes to meet me ends:
Elfs be known ter cultivate a relationship with Nature most harmonious. And they be learn’ed on many subjects. Including the medicinal. I wonders if they’d be of an inclination to teach a Hobbit to cultivate Kingsfoil as prolifically as possible. Answering this question would, of course, necessitate a revisit to River-Dell.
I gots Jonagold now, so’s I don’t have to leg it.
But I e’nt the only Hobbit what gots a pony. An’ thar be other Hobbits I can think of, who keep getting their furlough delayed since the winter started (however necessary circumstance might have been). Maybe if ye could think of any Adventurous Hobbits in particular what meets these credentials, Lance, maybe they’d be of mind to make a bit of an Excursion. ....
(Maybe we can even convince Miss Sergie to come; getting out of the House after the events of the winter probably be healthy).
Let me know if this be an appealing antic on which to think. I’d make Elf Toast for the road. But first ... Imma have a little sample now, with tea.
Warmly yours on this cold afternoon,
Applecider
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