I truly did believe that the Battle would end the problems of those closest to me. We won, and this was a time to celebrate our victory, to improve existing relationships, or even to turn over a new leaf and start again. I was optimistic, but I was a fool to be that. A complete fool.
Faron told me she was still unhappy since returning, which I did expect, as there had been no time to change that. But she was now so unhappy that she couldn’t bare living here anymore. I didn’t know how to take it then, and I’ll admit, I still don’t. She assures me that nothing will change between us, and half of me believes her. The only difference between then and now is that I’m not able to see, touch, or simply be with her every day. Maybe I can get use to that. Maybe it’ll make the time we do get more special. Maybe she’ll struggle, like me, with being apart too much that she’ll want to come back. Who knows? Try not to predict, Gelvira. You’ll be disappointed otherwise. There is a small doubt that I haven’t been able to ignore yet, and so that covers the other half of me. I’ve not seen her since the battle, and I miss her immensely, and I’m unsure if I’m going to be able to handle her not being here. I didn’t do so well last time.
I told her I loved her, and I meant it. Completely.
I’ve spent a lot of my time feeling sorry for myself. Everyone seems clam, happy, and settled. Of course, I’m happy for the other members of the Clan – Leohna and Heriwulf, as well as Hildegund and Ljota – with their marriages, but I’m so selfishly envious of them. Marriage has never been something I’ve been overly bothered about, so that isn’t it, but what it is is that they all have one another. But, why can’t I say the same for myself? I’m spending as much time as I can at the Lodge, and probably disturbing and annoying anyone I find in there, as they are now my only source of human interaction. I go back to the hut, and despite having Alaric and Heva, I’m alone. Very much alone, and, I don’t like it.
I’ve just returned from having a drink with Scarlet Jay, one of the Woodmen that travelled with Faron from the Vales but decided to stay. I’ve not seen her really, or at all, since I’ve been keeping my distance from the Clan after Faron left. So, I don’t know her name. She was friendly, cheerful, and the conversation we had was refreshing. She asked how I was, and asked me about my relationship briefly, but I surprisingly didn’t seem to mind speaking to her about it. Perhaps it was because even though she is part of the Clan, she doesn’t know Faron or me, so she doesn’t have any external opinions against us. We talked about going into Bree together and exploring, and perhaps we will go, but that’s left to be seen.
I'm not really certain on anything anymore.
