[These are a few short entries from over the past week.]
Feb. 21
Just like that, we’re back in Buckland, under the same roof of the same inn from twenty days ago. Only twenty days, just about, and my life is entirely changed from now to forevermore.
Being in love was a blessing all along! I’m both humbly content and pridefully elated, and when
O, words fail me! What do I write?
Maurr loves me! As I love him, he loves me, and I know not how or why; it overwhelms me, his tender graces, his devotion, everything! And I’ve finally been kissed properly! Though I cannot help but feel dearly sorry that he’s interested in such an idiot; I’m unknowledgeable and unexperienced and uneducated at best about all of this. I nearly fainted the first kiss, so he's not tried one like that since.
Still, it sets my heart aflutter even now!
Yet still, for all this goodness I’ve been graced with, I fear I’m not deserving of it. I fear that it will be taken away as fast as it was given, through death or discord or distress, by the invisible hands of our maker. I fear this, I fear, in quiet and calm moments, fulfilled moments, safe and warm and happy moments; the worry creeps on me, until he or another friend smiles my way, and the doubt is dissipated until next time.
Maurr and I have been apart a fortnight, but it both feels like longer and shorter than. The days before he left are some I’ll treasure forever, and when I return I hope to have many more good days such as! He had to hurry back to Bree on a summons from little Bíld (and I hope things are fine!); Finchley and I lingered in the Shire to finish enjoying the trip (and wait until Masters Kveldun and Erlingur were also ready to depart with us).
I believe Maurr and I having a moment apart has done some good. While I miss him terribly, so very terribly, I think we needed a short breath after how sudden and quick everything unfolded! The big things were stressing him, I’m sure; while I’ve had months to cope with my affections, he’d only had a palmful of days! I’ve mulled, longed, daydreamed and planned — It is still incomprehensible that he loves me, crafted for me, asked me what I wish for our future!
Some of the big topics:
*Home: He will live with me in Bree for now. I’ll stay with him / his family in Erebor when we go (if Bóurr does not despise me). Will return here from Erebor at least by next Durin’s Day in time for the ladies’ wedding — presumably will stay in my home as well then. The future afterwards is yet to be decided?
*Parents: Must meet (despite my worries). I must send a letter to mother before even considering introducing Maurr.
*Marriage: ??? I would like to ‘marry’ him someday, I suppose, but haven’t a clue how legitimate any ceremony would be / if it would change anything.
*Children: Yes, someday? How? At least nieces / nephews (Men or Dwarves alike — I must rely on Maurr's siblings and my Dale-family). I need young ones to dote on.
Other than thinking about these things I’ve explored the Shire, gone hand-fishing with Master Erlingur (I fell into the water), and spent some very fine time with Finchley and Hobbits. I’ve managed to get a few recipes for Hobbit-dishes!
Buckland is even nicer than it was before, it seems, but perhaps I’m just excited to get home. But first we must I must see right now if she and Master Lexand are ready to go into the Old Forest! They may be waiting on me!
~~~~~
Feb. 21
The Old Forest was absolutely foul and I plan to never again go in it. The other day, perhaps, I anticipated the adventure, but by the moment we stepped in I was ready to leave. The air was foul, the whispers were foul, the hair-prickling-sweat-beading-sensation was foul. There’s some evil magic over that forest, and I kept thinking back to Mirkwood, fearing the experience would be the same. I saw a giant cobweb in the Forest as well! So help me, if I ever see an extra-large spider again, I’ll die right there and then!
At least good happened as well: Finchley helped a little stuck deer from a tree, and once we found the maple, Master Lexand let me borrow his wood-knife. I was very polite to the tree, it let me cut the suckers without complication, and we swiftly got out before I could cry the sun set.
I’m comfortable now, this morning, but did have a spot of trouble getting to sleep, and dreams followed after. They’re but fragments now in my mind, but I recall walking through a dark forest before finding a bright hill. I tried to shout something from atop it but couldn’t find my voice. In another, I wanted to buy paints, but they kept disappearing before I could?? And once I dreamt that I was back in Erebor; not with the children of Bóurr, but with folk I used to know.
It doesn’t matter, I suppose; Finchley and I should be making travel tonight! Master Lexand said he would follow after, slower, with Masters Erlingur and Kveldun, which I appreciate. It’s probably wrong of me, but I want to get back so quickly. I anticipate finding Addie; I hope this makes her happy! Creating the pipes should be good fun for the both of us. And of course I want to see Maurr and the others.
I will begin preparing to go!
~~~~~
Feb. 23
We’re back in Bree! The ride was uneventful, but traveling with Finchley is always fun. She provides such nice conversation. We happened on the topic of food, and I told her a bit about my mother’s dishes — so when we arrived in town, we were near starved, and had to go get a meal together.
Byrge was there, looking well! And he went to get Bíld and Beetle (B names, ha ha)! I also apparently had some things left for me by Miss Lumina, so I was real excited when Master Butterbur gave them to me. Couldn’t read them, though — the script was fine, and the light was dim, and my eyes are being bothersome… So I had Bíld read them. First I got pepper flakes, which I’m very excited about and shall have to give her a jar of my own, and then there was the official invitation to the wedding! I’m dreadfully excited about that, as well.
Beetle was dressed up cutely and I also could have died over that. And Finchley got to see Master Hawk again (she mentioned him several times on the trip); I think they’re a cute little pair. Poor Byrge got scared off by Lady Zandi Zandere Zandirean ??? That one Elf that’s fairly unsettling. She calls Dwarves ‘Sons of Aulë’, but I think just ‘Dwarves’ would suffice.
Otherwise the night was fairly uneventful; Bíld walked me home so he could collect some things and we chatted nicely. Afterwards, I did have some trouble sleeping so but got to bed all right. Eventually. — I did little today but tinker with Maurr’s hand to make sure it’s perfect for him and tear up my entire house searching for that damnable piece of jewelry so I can finish it for him.
I also, of course, toiled with writing mother. I’m beginning to create something comprehensive, but I think what I wrote was a bit harsh, so that shall have to be revised. For now, though, I think I’ll go get a meal at the Pony; tomorrow I’ll restock my pantry!
~~~~~
Feb. 25
The greatest of all things happened when I went out the day before! (I forgot to write.) I saw Maurr! Saw Miss Taite first, truthfully, and she appeared to be in good spirits and good health. Said Master Tumunir was well also. But Maurr showed, and I was so very happy, and we sat for a while to chat. Also met a Man named Master Mattais, I believe? He was enjoyable company. Then, as Maurr and I were leaving, we saw Miss Lumina! She assented to letting him come along to the wedding as my partner, which has me all excited also.
Anyhow — we got home, I gave Maurr his hand, and he was ecstatic over it. I’ve already future adjustments in mind, but I have other things to create first! He and I had a lengthy conversation — some sad, some glad, some fearful; He was overwhelmed as I suspected, and I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared of the whole thing, too. We’ll walk at an easy and slow pace, and I’m perfectly content with that. I’m happy, very happy. He makes me happy!
Then yesterday I spoke with the lovely Miss Israa, whom I’ve found has much in common with not just myself but Cyanite; I hope they can become partners in writing! She has been complaining to me about a lack of such. Additionally, I met an Elf, Nimi Ninini Ninimin ??? who was fine company (though most bemused by Bíld’s egg milk, which got me into laughter a few times). I hope to see each of those ladies again; such acquaintances make me joyful.
To do:
*Find Addie / work on instruments.
*Send Lumina pepper.
*Finalize outfit for wedding.
*Find that damned project and finish it. (Did I throw it out? Might be in desk — check.)
*Buy more pillows.
*See Master Tiarvi about new eyeglasses.
*Another sweater for Beetle from Taite?
*WRITE MOTHER.
