I can't believe this is the seventeenth time I'm writing in here! I'm sure I'm spelling half the words wrong, but I'm so proud of myself. Maybe one day I can show this diary to my children and teach them their letters, too. I try not to think such thoughts too often, as they make me get all misty eyed with hope and wanting and all kinds of feelings that are too bothersome.
I don't have a whole lot of time to write today. I spent the morning at the Holbrook's farm. Missus Holbrook were so gracious and understanding when I asked if maybe her daughter had left behind any dress that might do for a party. And I were in luck! She said her daughter (Milly was her name) loved all the festivities (?) for all the seasons, and she went to every party she ever heard about because she loved nothing more than to dance. Missus Holbrook pulled out a right nice dress that Milly had for all the autumn parties, and even though it's a little tight on me, it fits. I picked wildflowers from the side of the road on my way back and I've got more than enough to make a simple crown for my head. It's not exactly a costume, and it's not exactly fancy or high class. But you know what? I'm not fancy or high class. And if I'm going to go to a party, I need to be myself. And if folk sneer at me or snub me, that's on them.
I still don't know if I'm actually going to go. Master Maurr asked me and Master Tumunir if we were planning to go. Seems Master Maurr is going with Mister Doc, and he showed us his costume! I couldn't guess right away what he was supposed to be, but he looked mighty impressive! Once he had gone, Master Tumunir and I talked for a long while, about a lot of things. He thinks I should go. He says he won't go. I don't want to go alone. He said he would ask me himself but he's too old and grumpy. I told him I'd just as soon stay home with him than go sit in a corner and stare at strangers having more fun than I ever will. Of course, I'd know Master Maurr and Mister Doc, but they'll be busy with each other and their own friends. Master Tumunir asked about Mister Dimheim going. I told him I didn't know if he was going or not, but he hadn't asked me either way. Master Tumunir said he were an idiot for not asking me, but I just laughed. Mister Dimheim's a busy and important fellow and no doubt he's got plenty of lasses who'd be honored to walk on his arm and dance with him. And he were the one who suggested I ask Master Maurr to go with me! So, that was pretty clear that he were going with someone else or maybe on his own, since he's an odd soul at times.
I feel like I need the whole afternoon to think this over and decide what I'm doing and get ready if I'm going to go. But what do I even need to do? If I'm going, I just put on the dress and brush my hair and go out the door. But I can't seem to sit down and relax at all, I feel jumpy and like I've got ants crawling everywhere. Partly I want to just decide that I'm not going, and then I can relax and sit down. But I keep thinking about how nice it might be just to see the party. Even if I just stick to the wall and don't talk to anyone and watch. I'd love to see all the costumes and dresses. Maybe have a slice of pie. Watch the couples dancing.
This is all so bothersome!!
