These past few days
I don't know what's wrong with
Why does she
I hoped I didn't have to write in here
Why is everything so complicated?
My eyes were opened
I give up
Why can't she understand
Choices. Whom or whatever decided to give us Men choices was a cruel being. Choices make things complicated, rather than simple. To have a choice allows others to step in and try to manipulate that choice, try and make you think like they expect you to.
I'm starting to feel that I'm being played for a fool. I thought I wanted to try again, I had decided to try again and see if it could be done right and make her happy. I decided to tell her this, but I withdrew after speaking with the other woman.
She opened my eyes to things I haven't even thought about, things that would only hurt the girl in the long run. I accepted this and thanked her for it, but then she began to turn it around once more.
At times, it feels like the two have plotted something together, working against me to forge my mind and behaviour to their liking. For after I expressed my thanks and explained how she had helped my choice, she turned to remind me that no woman shall want me. That either I change for this one, be mindful and do as she expects, or face being alone. That I'm lucky to have this woman, who bothers with me. It's probably true, but am I meant to accept someone who can't accept me as I am? Understands my nature?
Bad luck, she called it. There hasn't been much fortune between us, this much is true, but it doesn't change that my words were poorly taken, twisted to the extreme and spread, for there are strange stories floating around now, the truth stretched thin and different with every person speaking. Maybe this is why business has been poor, ugly rumors have tainted my name and reputation.
Today, I'm the man with many women. The man who courted one young woman, made her fall in love and tell her likewise, only to break her heart and throw her out. I'm the villain in these tales, and even when I tell my side, I feel that it's twisted in her favour. It's irritating. Now, in the older woman's eyes, I'm the man that has pushed the younger aside in favour of another. Just another patient, just another woman. This is how I'm regarded by them. The blame coming from a dream the young woman had, or so I'm told. Where she died and I didn't care, just pushed aside with a clap of my hands and a new patient invited in, without a second thought.
Now she tells me that she has more bad dreams. That now she's unloved and that no one cares for her, that she dreams of people laughing at her. She asked me if I'd care if she died, I answered yes. Yet, it wasn't enough, she fished further, asking if it was because of my reputation that I'd care or because I would have failed. These were the reasons she wanted, something to tell her family, so that they can spin their tales and spread the whispers.
All of this seems to strike at the same time and take shape depending on my answers. I feel played with, an attempt to herd me like a mindless sheep towards something of their own creation and desire.
Pity, it's all I see in the past few days. Each word carefully crafted to strike me, lure me and trap of her or their design. After the night's rest, I suspect that the older woman was trying to make me pity the girl, to push on my choice to try again. Instead, she drove me away, her words of sense reminding me of something I hadn't thought of.
She may have unknowingly saved us both from future grief. The girl will find a man able to coddle her, as she desires, by both word and action, resulting in her happiness. The woman may be right and this is a chance I'm tossing away. If that's so, I'll accept it. It'll be better to be alone than to keep notes in my pockets for the rest of my days, reminding me how to speak and act when around my partner. That's not how a relationship works, that much I know through observation.
If I'll need companionship, I might get a dog, but they require too much attention and care that I cannot give. I have my cat.
Why did she
What is
Why can't I
What happened
Was she right? Does this lack of understanding make me a poor healer? Why do her words still hound me? Why does it bother me so much? She doesn't understand, she can only judge. Yet, he has said the same thing.
Why is this irritating me? Why can't I ignore it and forget it was ever said? Why do I feel like I'm always defending myself?
I just want things to be like I'm used to; simple.
