Life, the world and it's people are strange. Every time I think I've figured it out, something turns my views around and makes me question it all over again. It's tiresome.
A man entered the Soothery, someone I hadn't expected to see again. It was strange to see a face from my past and I'm uncertain how I feel about it.
He's taken on the work I've asked of him. Might be a waste of his time, if Rue continues to be stubborn and unable to see that this will be needed. I may have just wasted my time, materials and everything else for her.
Jacki Miss Jackilyn has gone and judging the letter I found, she'll not be returning. At least not like she used to. Had I known that asking her to leave for the evening would mean what it did, I might have reconsidered.
This attempt at courtship has failed, but I've taken some lessons from it. There's little else to do. There are too many rules I'm unaware of, things that feel hidden and meant for those who can guess the thoughts of another. A strange game that I'm not too fond of.
Her words in the letter have made me think. She hopes that I'll be happy now that she's gone, yet I feel no happier. Why she'd assume I would is a mystery. It makes me think back when she said that maybe, I couldn't be happy. There might be truth in it.
There were fleeting moments I thought I was happy or at least I felt content. The silence and peace in her presence was comforting. She writes that I wall off my emotions and yet I've never hidden anything. This confuses me, but she might be correct. If there's anything there to wall off to begin with.
There are many things wrong with me, I see it more clearly now than I have in the past. I'm a man that can't imagine, one that doesn't dream, I cannot put myself in the place of others and find myself apathetic.
I can only wonder why this is. It's a distracting thought, taking me away from my work but, I'm unable to be rid of it currently. Why do I lack something that comes so natural to everyone else? Did I miss something? Is this an illness?
It's a problem for another time. For now, I'll have to focus on my work. Whether my materials are wasted or not. Maybe when mister Bíld returns, he can give me answers, he seems to know more about the subject.
I'll put this matter behind me and study it later. Make notes to remind myself, should I ever attempt this ritual of courtship again. It will be important, if I'm to have an heir to pass down the knowledge that father left me. It can't be lost.
