Alone

I hate it honestly..that I even dared to let anyone get close to me. Because all I feel is the same pain I felt from before. On top of all that..Mai is gone. I feel like a failure, I should of just forced myself to stay in the downs with her and Aghir no matter what she felt. I’m obsessed with the promise I made Caliko that I would protect Breeland, and it has consumed any Chance of happiness that has come to my life. I feel like a shadow again, walking among the people, the skittish looks..the talks behind my back as I pass. I don’t care really anymore it almost just be easier to have everyone hate me again and just leave me alone to do what I need to. How can I work with people when I can’t even put any sort of trust in them. Lady Ces and Brandilyn pushed me to step outside my wall and work with people, find companionship but I was simply pushed into a fire. Everything just burned around me as I faced an even harder battle. It’s easy with my sword to handle problems even find logical solutions but when feelings develop and I need to make judgement calls, I simply fail. It’s my flaw, I wear my mask and show no emotion but on the inside it’s chaos. I’m constantly trying to find ways to please people and keep people safe my way and I can’t do it. Before people came close to me, my numbest time before Gwaed arrived in Bree. I was efficient, things got handled and done without me giving second thoughts. Then she arrived and I poured my heart to her..then she died and I felt my world crash, I could barely handle a simple job. I over and over made the same mistake of letting people in just for my world to crash on me. I’m done, I can’t anymore. I have to keep them all away, my personal life will stay with me. I feel more broken then I ever have, I don’t understand myself anymore. If my past self could see me now, he’d hate me. As Aeruthuil said, I’m fighting for people who won’t remember me, nothing I did or what my brother did. I don’t care if they do or not but I wish they’d remember Caliko atleast, he sacrificed so much and still smiled everyday..was a father and husband and here I am flustering and breaking during any sort of social relationship. He was so strong and I am so weak.