Torn

We finally got the map together, but had to hand it over in order to get Laerhel and the boys back who we have been protecting from a group of Angmarims who seek the boy and map. They do not have the key the boy gave to us so they can’t get what the map leads to but I fear they will learn soon they need a key. I am sure they will come after us soon, we plan to bring the boys to Imladris to be out of reach of the enemy. They have a larger warband and I believe they will Persue us quickly after gaining knowledge, so I plan to let the group go and I will intercept and try to buy us more time. I’m sure they all will disagree and such but it is the best course if we do not wish to have to fight on this trip. I know they care about me..and though I do not show it, I have grown to care about them and their well beings. Not even in just my sense of duty to protect the people of Bree but as people I’ve grown closer to. They always are wishing to find more about me and get closer but I still keep my wall firm. The last time I was with such a group, they all died. I do not wish to watch that happen again. Amanda broke her leg also..some group she was with let her go into a fire, to save a man. If I’m to see any of them, I’d be tempted to gut them for thinking that letting a twelve year old into a burning building is a good idea. I don’t have time for that though, we are resting her at the home..Brandilyn is healing her. I hope Amanda sees this group of people I have been helping and learns of better ways to help people than what I set for an example. I kill people, there was never much else to what I did, but with this group I have done more merciful work. With Brandilyns return, I have had mixed feelings I suppose. She left and with that left Amanda alone and me to fight battles to protect her farm and watch Amanda. It slowly drained me greatly to the point of when I left south to assist Aghir, I was off and was greatly injured. I understand her departing, things got chaotic. I worry now about the Laine’s and how they are going to react to it. They have taken Amanda in and I know Amanda will wish to still See Brandilyn but that may not be something they will allow.  I do..feel for Brandilyn, she has always banged at my wall and knows how to keep her space and understands my feelings on things, because she spent the time and put the effort in to be closer to me. Even with my feelings aside, she wishes Amanda to be with her and I wish it as well but it may not be the right decision. It is Amanda’s and I know she will feel stuck in the middle but I will stand with her, whatever is best for her is what I will make sure she gets. I don’t care what either side says. I never thought I’d have something like a child of my own but Amanda has become that. I will watch over her and continue to watch her grow. Before, I wished for my death to finally come and I didn’t really care about keeping myself healthy, I knew I’d die young..I just needed to be able to fight but now it seems I have something to fight to live for. That is why I am not torn when making decisions that will risk my life.