Found:
A lost lamb.
I took Steel out this morning. He was ever so glad for the ride! Poor thing has been cooped up in the stables for far too long! He's really not used to being stuck in one place for so long. I don't think he likes it much, which is entirely understandable; neither do I! It was good to be back in the saddle and no amount of rain was going to stop us from enjoying a good run!
I must admit that I didn't expect to come across Rhaug quite so soon. I had expected him to be busy elsewhere or preferring to avoid me, but although he wasn't exactly welcoming, neither did he turn away. He had read the letter, much to my chagrin, but that cannot be helped now. It changes nothing, in the end.
He is still quick to judge my every word and action. He is still quick to seek offence where none is given, or find new and inventive reasons to be angry with me. He still listens, but hears only what he wants to whilst swearing that he is right in all that he does whereas I am wrong. Not so long ago, I would have taken that badly, letting it weigh down my already sagging shoulders but now....
I admit that I have made some errors and have some amends to make, and so I shall. For the first time, I'm truly ready to face whatever comes and deal with it as best I can. Be that as it may, I see something in him so very familiar... a weight, a despair, a pain... and I wonder... how much of what he does now is born of that darkness?
I won't go so far as to ascribe my own experiences, feelings and reactions upon him. He is, after all, wholly himself. However, I cannot help but suspect that pushing me away is simply easier for him than facing a few uncomfortable truths.
He says the ground is salted now. I disagree. But whether or not I am right in this is of no import at this time. However I may feel about him, I do not demand that he reciprocate.
Before we parted ways, I once again offered my aid. He won't take me up on it. He is too prideful, too stubborn. I won't force the matter; it would do neither of us any good. Instead, I did all that I could under the circumstances; I told him that I would be there should he have wish or need of me. It may take years or it may never happen, but I will be ready nonetheless.
In the meantime, I really rather need something to do with my life! These daily rides with Steel are good fun, the Soot and Stain offers some entertainment of a night - gambling and flirting for the most part. The drinks are terrible and I've long since resolved to spend my nights alone - but none of these things give me purpose or direction.
I need to find some of that.
I will.
