You return for another tale? Was my last one so enthralling? How very sweet.
Very well. What do you offer me for this recounting?
Mm, yes. That will do nicely.
When I was much younger, and relatively new to my profession - I was around fourteen, I think - I heard tell of a particularly enticing item hidden away in a network of caves. There was nothing particularly special about it as best I could tell. It was but a simple chalice. It was not made of gold or gem encrusted, nor was it magical in any way. It had, however, once touched the lips of some long-dead Gondorian hero or other, so it was coveted by the rich, powerful and pretentious.
Quite what it was doing in those caves is a question for whichever idiot put it there. The reason it had remained for so long however was of far more immediate concern to me; the entire network was infested with spiders!
Not having faced those particular critters before, I snuck into the rocky underground armed with only a rope, a torch, my kukris and the unshakable conviction in my own immortality that only youth can give. I encountered nothing but dust, scree and old webbing for what felt like miles! I wandered for goodness knows how long, up and down those damned tunnels, in and out of chambers, until I found that dratted cup...and a whole nest of those eight-legged monstrosities.
I thought to sneak in, get what I came for and leave. Surely if I were careful, I'd not disturb the creatures? Alas, it seems those things are far more sensitive than I'd realised. No sooner had I made it to the chalice than the bloody things woke up en mass and turned their glittering eyes to me.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I panicked! I was still young, still new to this way of life and unhardened against the horrors of the wilderness. I dropped my torch so I could get my blades out properly, wanting to face the nightmares with my weapons in hand. If they were going to eat me, I'd at least get a few cuts in first! Sadly, I hadn't realised just how flammable gossamer is. It didn't take long for the silken thread to catch alight and, as it so happens, spiders are pretty flammable too. The fire spread from the torch to the webbing to the spiders, then the flaming spiders panicked, running around mindlessly and setting even more thread and even more spiders on fire! It was a raging inferno within heartbeats! And there I was, utterly stuck in the middle of this mass of screeching, running, skittering fireballs, blinded by the light and coughing from the thick smoke!
I wish I could say that quick thinking saved my behind that day, but it's sheer dumb luck that saw me survive
One of the few spiders left untouched by the blaze ran straight into me, knocking me over. The rope I had looped over my torso caught up in its legs and I was dragged along with it. As I recall, the silly thing went up a wall and onto the ceiling, taking me with it. When faced with a few too many stalactites to comfortably navigate, it jumped back down, I was freed from the coiling rope and landed on the damned thing's back! There was little choice for me but to dig my fingers into its thick bristles and hold on for dear life!
So, believe it or not, I accidentally ended up riding that bastard back out of the tunnels! I choose to imagine that I looked every inch the dashing and heroic figure, balanced precariously atop the fat abdomen of a hostile and horrible creation as, behind me, flames erupted from the subterrane!
However it may have appeared to any watchers, there's only one thing that mattered in the end.
I never did retrieve that blood chalice!
