Agony. It was absolute torture to be in the same room with her again... to be so close to her and yearning to hold her, only to know that you cannot. Of course, it is of Brynleigh that I speak. It is of the beautiful girl of Rohan that my heart still belongs to, and will for all of my years to come. How I wish that I could just leave with her, and go live out the rest of my days as a loving husband and father. How I wish that I could just settle down on a tranquil farm somewhere near Chetwood with her by my side. How I wish that whenever I looked into her eyes, I did not feel the pull to go somewhere else. But these are just wishes.
It would be two nights ago now that we met in the back room of the Pony. You see, I had Barliman give her a message for me that an old friend needed to see her, and I was there waiting when she arrived. As I stood looking out the window, I realized for the first time since I met her that I was afraid to show her my face. I was afraid to let her see what the world had done to me, and for her to read any expression on my face. But my eyes betray me, for she knows just what to look for.
There was a certain maturity that she possessed now that she did not possess then. It was as if she had grown up rather suddenly due to all that she had been through, for she was not the horse keeping girl that I once knew. No... the woman that stood before me that night was a proud woman of Rohan, an image that will remain in my mind for eternity.
Emotions ran through my heart faster than a horse on the open fields near Edoras, and I could not cling on to any specific feeling. There was a feeling of love for her, but also a distinct pain that came from the letter that she had sent me after I arrived at Ost Guruth. There was a feeling of joy that came with being near her again, but also a feeling of despair to know that she was now betrothed to a prospector in Bree-land. It was in this emotional turmoil that I let my guard down, and kissed her.
It was perhaps the most confusing action that I have ever done. On the one hand, it felt as if I was back in the gazebo in the rain with her... but on the other hand, it felt as if I was trying to force a fire to light whose embers had long since simmered. All the same, I kissed her, and will take whatever consequences may come from that.
After that, I told her of Taruin, my son who I had thought dead until only recently. Carefully, I explained the situation, and how Taruin had fled from Dol Amroth and to Eriador, and how I just wanted him to be happy. When she asked me if I had spoken to him yet, I broke down for the first time in many years.
You see, Taruin just lost the man that he believed to be his father for his whole life. Now, I am heading with my convoy to Angmar... a place whose danger I dare not describe. There is a part of me that wanted to meet with him before I left for Angmar, but the other part wanted to save him from any potential emotional pain that I should cause if I did not survive this expedition to the darkest place in the North. And so I will leave that meeting for another day, if Fate allows it.
I hope that he finds Brynleigh, and I hope that they become fast friends, for they both seem to need a friend they can trust right now.
I love Bryn, and I am realizing now that I always will. As I sit here next to the campfire, keeping watch, I am reminded of just how much of an impact she has had on me. After all, she is the only thing in this world that would make me even consider leaving my kin. But I cannot leave them now, no matter how much I love Bryn. If there was ever a time where I was needed most by my brothers and sisters, it is now.
(Signed with the Elvish rune of a 'T')
