I spoiled my entry last night, tore the page. But she came to me last night, Firefly. I'm caught in a trap and I cannot leave. Everything the Variag said to me, I knew it to be true.
My heart is caught in a three-way split. My flower, occupying centre stage. On the left, the Eastern gem, as deadly as she is beautiful and perceptive. Exotic, now she is a prize beyond all others. On the right, is the Firefly. Brightest of lights, Sweet, kind. Accepting. Eager to please. Anything a man could possibly want in a woman. She is truly adorable. Flame of hair. A sanctuary from the darkness. One knows me, yet the other knows me not. One accepts me, one would likely accept me. It is a stark choice. The Variag forces me to make this choice. Of all the women in Bree I could have chose, I had to pick the one whom she would issue this ultimatum on behalf of.
Do I go to Gondor, leave this place behind? Who do I take with me, so many questions and so little answers.
I wrote extensively on the ways of the West before I clumsily spilled my ink, spoiling the page. I should know better than to write on so little sleep. Is monogamy the natural state of affairs? Were this Khand, a man could take as many wives as he so chooses. I want them both, yet I can't have them both. I feel guilt. As though I am betraying the memory of she who rests under the pink tree.
The ways of the West are not always preferable. How many men have I seen in the brothels, ring upon their finger by day. Stuck in loveless marriages, the spark long having faded away. Forbidden to openly court any other so they deceive those around them. They live a lie. Sometimes for the sake of the children, for the sake of familiarity. Because of the taboo. There is no such deception in the East. As barbarous as their ways can be. We do not always have the right of it. I ask again, is this natural?
Love or no love, I do not think we are meant to simply mate for life in exclusivity.
My search for the killer continues, despite this. It is what has kept me awake these nights, and now I have something else to keep me awake. Theoretically. The Variag says I should lay with Firefly, she thought it would cure my ailment, Calm my mind. Worryingly it seemed to. I slept soundly, like a baby. I have come down ill, the blasted healer is nowhere to be found. I cannot afford to lay here when there is work to be done. I should have told her to leave. There was ample opportunity. I am a selfish man, I do not even know what it is I am doing. I cannot make my mind up what to tell her, I don't want to. I'm content to simply bask in her glow and not confront what it is I must do. My feelings, or an end to this.
