I decided to tell the Captain's daughter everything. I do not know why.
Perhaps I thought it would wash away my sins. I cannot bury these lies within my heart much longer.
Having to remember each lie. Which lie you told which person. Which truth you did and did not speak. It is a truly exhausting thing. It wears down on you year after year until you know longer even know yourself.
I had come here with the intention to talk of my flower, instead I had ended up rambling about my past as a thief. My skill as a manipulator. The masks a man wears that have only recently just started to slip. I told her of my parent's murder and the secret I still must bear in relationship to it. There were tears in her eyes.
Why did I come here you ask? The woman is a temptation. This connection I feel. Perhaps it can be willed away in her arms. I told her that even as I saved her from herself. Since the fateful night of her father's death I had been hollow. My soul cold.
I debated skipping town. Never to come back. I contemplated visiting the brothel. I considered ending flower for stealing all what she stole from me and ending myself.
I do not think I can handle the loss of control of my emotions. Yet there was something strangely calming of telling all. On my own terms not someone else's.
Damn that man of hers. Why did you steal her heart as mine has now been stolen. We could have gone on the Captain's daughter and I. It was unconventional but we both knew what to expect. She briefly touched on love for the man she was with as I briefly touched on mine for the young girl who has been the recipient of mine. How the pain. How the fear of it never goes away. We have both been corrupted with a sickness and I know the cure.
But she maintains that it is worth it all, and more.
Is it? I find myself wondering. But at least I feel the control again. Knowing that this was my decision and not hers to confess these crimes. I know ultimately there is no such thing but control is something I have always maintained. It feels good. The illusion of it.
But maybe on the other hand I did choose this. Was it not my choice to give up the carefully managed stage perceptions to not just one but two people? A dagger to the heart could have solved my dilemma instantly.
Yes, perhaps I am responsible for the choices that I have made. I decided a long time ago that I would no longer be forced against my will ever again into a course or action I would never wish. It's the result of my experiment I do not like. What I have been forced to confront. I think of that fateful night my flower sat down and told me she was tired of games. How she felt her desire now was for something more real. I could have walked away again. I have other times I have let this feeling develop. And yet I did not.
There is something calming about the Captain's daughter. Though I must now resist her and she me. I feel as though my mind now has more clarity. I will go see my flower. If I cleanse my soul of these sins in speech. Sharing them as I have. Can I truly feel fresh again? I feel already as though my heart is lighter. Perhaps the fear will never truly go away completely.
I am in the midst of an identity crisis. I have contemplated giving my Bloody Dawn sigil back. I must do what is right for me now not always try to be what someone else wants me to be.
But I must hold course and stay true. I must confront these demons come what may. I cannot betray Lavender. I could not live with myself if I did. My feet remained where they are in that house. I feel numb. Yet the anxiety is deeply lessened. No, nothing will break us asunder. Not trust issues. Not the demons within. She will surely not betray me. I must place my faith. I love her, and I will be happy if it kills me.
