4 Mede Sterday
When a choice is set in front of a man he should choose wisely. Sounds simple, hard to do. After my fight with Tosie, a long day of feeling about as useful as the pigs in the fountain, it was topped off with seeing her again. They were in the market, I could see them walking hand in hand in hand. Mother, father and little girl. Her dark hair was in two braids, bouncing on her shoulders as she dashed up to inspect a tinker's stall, full of carved animals and dolls. The question lingers always in my mind though I should have put it to bed long ago. I can't ever have a claim on her and yet in my heart when I catch a rare glimpse of that small fair face with the freckles across her nose. I know. I know she's mine. And yet that means nothing, for I'd never disrupt the good life she has. I met eyes with her mother. Ruby is still as fair as she was seven years ago when she first pulled me into the hay loft. I saw her look my way and then back at her husband, smiling up at him as he picked up their daughter. His child. Never mine.
I went and raided Brittleleaf's stash of whiskey once my shift was over. I hate that when I see Ruby I'm 15 again. Once I changed and left the jail, slightly more wobbly than I had entered it, the family was gone and I could breath again. I know I made the right choice, letting Ruby have her little family, not interrupting her precious life. She got what she wanted and so did her husband. And I had no responsibility. Why does it feel so rotten then? That my stomach knots up at glimpse of that bright little girl.
I was in a mood and already drunk by the time I got to the Pony. Walking in, I spotted Tosie right away kissing the cheek of some ginger cunt in wearing the armor of a Horse Lord. I admit, I lost it. I ordered another whiskey, because obviously that was the smart thing to do. I tore into her, asked if she was done with him and wanted to move on to me. I made a right arse of myself. It's her brother, half brother to be precise. The lad took a swing at me when Tosie ran out, upset at my harsh words. Luckily, I wasn't too drunk to duck and stumble out the door after her. Little rabbit made me chase her. I'd not do it for another unless I was trying to arrest them. We finally reached the gate. She indicated she was going home and I wasn't welcome. I don't blame her. I wouldn't welcome me either. One of the Watchers saw us and I had to promise to switch a night shift with him so he wouldn't go tattling to Brigwald.
5 Mede Sunday
I sobered up, still hung over a bit when I made my way to Tosie's house. I'm working tonight so I thought I'd try to see her bright and early. She let me in and had a bucket with her bottles of strong drink poured into it and the broken glass filled the bottom. She looked at me, that wounded rabbit with big dark eyes and lips that I want to see smile at me. I knew she had my number. I should have never started back up when she gave me brandy the other day. I know what it does to me, causing me to backslide to that asshole I was before I took on the Watcher hauberk. I apologized to her. I meant it, I wasn't just saying it so she'd smile at me again. I know I screwed up because I can't make the right choice and I go for what comforts me, what is the easier route. Both of us have our tempers, our flaws. But I like her, she's a good person and doesn't put up with my bullshit. Part of that scares me, that I'll really piss her off and she'll walk out and not want me to chase her. We made up, again but I left her home needing a swim in a cold river. Damn Ealbrand, why can't he be a heavy sleeper?
