Honesty is an important aspect of any relationship, I think, be it between friends or lovers. Of course, sometimes one must choose ones words with care lest it be taken in the wrong light or feelings become hurt, but lies leech trust and trust is precious. Better not to lie, then, even if sometimes it may be considered best to keep some things to oneself.
Sometimes, it is not easy being honest with Drevorin. He tests my patience and my trust so often. Recently, I told him the truth behind our time in Ost Barandor; how my siding with him against Davick had been no more than a ruse designed to bring them face-to-face for what was supposed to be the final battle of their feud. Naturally, he did not take kindly to this knowledge for all that it had happened long before we discovered our feelings for one another. Unfortunately, he now uses this against me when he believes that it will give him an edge. Today, for example.
It has been some time since I noticed the interest of a blonde-haired woman. Whenever I saw her in the inn she always seemed to be close by, always in just the right position to overhear my conversations or, if she was not, then she soon would be. To begin with, I thought myself becoming paranoid; especially when I saw her speaking with Baradar and asked him who she was. I also asked Davick, who said he knew no-one of her description, and Drevorin who gave the same answer.
I was, then, utterly livid when she came to me today and introduced herself as Rosabur; an "old friend" of Drevorin's. Naturally, I questioned her relationship with him and although she tried not to say too much, it became apparant that she works for him, or at least with him, making her one of those "associates" I so dislike.
This meant that not only had he lied to me about no longer having anything to do with them, but also about knowing the woman who had seemingly been stalking me. We spoke about this and he denied it. Livid at that point was far in the past. I am not sure there is a word strong enough to describe how angry I felt.
My privacy invaded, a complete stranger spying on me on behalf of a man who claims to love and trust me, him daring to say it was for my own good, lying to me about it time and again, then for him to have the audacity to accuse me of keeping secrets... It makes my blood boil just to think back on it!
We kissed and made up, of course, but only after he agreed to stop having people spy on me. That, at least, was fun. I will grant that I have very little experience of such things - in any tender and meaningful form at least - but kissing that man makes my heart race so fast that I often fear it will burst from the pressure! In a good way, of course!
One journey to the inn later and I found myself in yet another unpleasant discussion. Today has been full of them: Bearn slamming around the house being angry over my betrothal; that green-clad man, who Saelran set to watch over me back when I thought Drevorin was dead, interrupting a nice talk with Davick by shooting at us and then later trying to blackmail me into helping him; the argument with Drevorin. Then a confrontation with Jairyth.
He wished for the truth of what had occured to make my love say such unpleasant things about Adaryn and thus I told him. Facts. Nothing more. I offered no opinion of my own, nor did I take sides, yet still he accused me of being biased. Given the womans track record for alienating people, making snide and snippy comments unprovoked and generally being unpleasant, I found it somewhat sweet that he would try so hard to defend her; up to and including putting words in my mouth. Little does he know that if I were to assign blame in this matter, I would place it squarely upon his shoulders.
Jairyth stole the gemstone that caused Rivorneth to track him across the lands. Rivorneth's insistance upon finding it brought both he and Jaerl to Bree in search of Jairyth. Jairyth's friendship with Bearn pulled Bearn, Davick, Drevorin and myself into this awful mess, which in turn led to Bearn seeking out Rivorneth and Jaerl. That led to a fight between them and Bearn's subsequent wounding and poisoning, which caused the argument between Drevorin and Bearn, and then the following altercation betweem Adaryn and Drevorin after she jumped to conclusions. Logically, then, and tracing this all back to the root cause: Jairyth is to blame for all of it.
Luckily for me, Davick had overheard much of the exchange and as soon as Jairyth departed, he took me for a walk. He has been so kind, so attentive and mindful of my feelings since that fateful day in Bearn's house. He is more open with me and more gentle. In truth, he has not been this way with me since that day in the forest when he finally discovered what had made me so fearful of physical contact. It is strange how this sorry mess he caused seems to have brought us closer together.
Still, I cannot help but be wary. A large part of me feels that he is doing this only to annoy Drevorin, or else is setting me up for something that I have yet to discern. Another betrayal, perhaps. I want to believe that he is genuine, that he really is working hard to regain my trust for the sake of friendship, but try as I might I cannot prevent myself from analysing his actions and second-guessing his words and motives. I hate feeling this way about a man who has done so much for me in the past, a man whom I loved so dearly and who had never let me down prior to that one incident. I wish I could be certain and just trust him as I used to; with no fear that he was using me or planning to hurt me again. Alas, at this time, I cannot.
Thus, I watch and I wait.
I wonder what my love would think if he knew the true extent of my doubt in this matter. Alas, complete and open honesty is something I have yet to gain with him. He does so like to get huffy whenever Davick is brought into a conversation; not that I can blame him! Still, it would be nice to speak with him on such things without him getting angry or storming off.
