((I must admit this entry is rather Anglo-centric and self-indulgent, nevertheless it’s a lot of fun looking at Middle Earth in this way.))
Under the direction of Saruman, the White Council concluded that the One Ring had washed out to sea and was lost forever. It later emerged however that Saruman was being lobbied by Mordor agents, prompting a public outcry. This led to the establishment of the ‘Gandalf Enquiry’ which planned to present its findings on 25th October 3018. It was with this in mind that, on 19th October, Elrond Half-Elven appeared on Question Time with a panel that included Boromir, Gloin, Barmliman Butterbur and Tom Bombadil (desperately trying create to a more highbrow image and be taken seriously).
Erestor: Mae govannen and welcome to Question Time. Tonight we’re in Annuminas and you can follow the debate by palantir at #orthancstone. Let’s get on with our first question which comes from Lathrandir.
Lathrandir: (speaking in an exaggerated Elvish accent) Hi, will the Gandalf enquiry have any real long-term significance when it comes to ring-lore regulation?
Erestor: Thank you Lathrandir, Lord Elrond…
Elrond: I think that’s a very important question and that Lathrandir’s voicing serious concerns there. I think what we’ve got to look at is the issue at hand and how to deal with it pragmatically. We Noldor value freedom of the smiths immensely but that’s not to say it hasn’t got out of hand. Our plan is to set up a multi-racial committee, of nine members, on the One Ring to make sure that we deal with this crisis in a way that provides the best value for hardworking families in Middle Earth.
Erestor: Lord Boromir…
Boromir: Yes thank you Ery, Gondor has always maintained that a ring of power would provide an excellent deterrent and I think that with the current situation in Osgiliath that deterrent is needed more than ever. As for this ‘multi-racial committee’ I’d say it’s purely tokenistic, even more so that having Gloin on the panel tonight. And as for this idea about ring disarmament well, one does not simply walk into Mordor…
Erestor: Ooh I think we have another question there…
Amlan: (leaning against a barrel) Won’t the Gandalf Enquiry just result in another White Council cover-up? I mean how can they know how ordinary people feel; half the Council are ring-bearers themselves!
(Applause from the audience)
Erestor: I should make clear that those allegations of ring-use were never substantiated but anyhow, Lord Gloin…
Gloin: Indeed, I believe the Dúnedan there makes a very good point. The last time we had an enquiry like this Elrond took us into an unnecessary conflict in Dol Guldur, based on some fairly slim evidence of Sauron’s presence there. And the legacy? Dol Guldur is now a haven for Orcish extremists and disillusioned goblins across the Misty Mountains are looking to them for inspiration!
(Applause)
Erestor: Mr Butterbur…
Barliman: Well I think it’s fairly clear that we should never have joined the White Council in the first place. Thanks to them we have waves of Southerners moving into Bree, taking jobs from hardworking Bree-ish people.
(a Hobbit in the audience begins shouting)
Bilbo: The reason Southerners are doing those jobs is because Bree-ish people don’t want to do them! I mean look at these lazy scroungers we have in Beggars’ Alley now! Barliman Butterbur’s policies are just frankly racist!
(many members of the audience cheer)
Barliman: No, no… The Free Bree Party is not racist, it has many members of Shire-descent. We just want to control the quality of people coming in. If a gang of Dunlendings moved in next door to you, staying up late, yelling at each other in Welsh, I don’t think even the gentlehobbit there would be very happy.
Bombadil: Hang on, how can you say that? You’re basically saying that all Dunlendings are criminals.
Barliman: No, all I’m saying is…
Bombadil: (shouting him down and addressing the audience) Don’t listen to this man! I know he presents a cuddly image: Hobbit-sized rooms and all that, always with a pint in hand…
Barliman: But I’m an innkeeper…
Erestor: I’m afraid we’ll have to move on; we have a few more questions to get through. This next one is from Calenglad…
Calenglad: Er yes, what is Lord Elrond going to do about the unemployment problem here in Arthedain?
Elrond: Well the Noldor government’s actually been doing a great deal to cut down on unemployment. Over the past few years we’ve created thousands of positions in the tomb-robbing industry…
Calenglad: Tomb-robbing’s no career! Ever since the 1980s (Third Age) there’s been no real work round here, just look outside and you’ll see a post-industrial wasteland!
Elrond: Well hopefully the new swift travel system running from Bree to Tinnudir will bring more capital flowing into Arthedain.
Boromir: Oh come on Elrond! This swift travel route is a vanity project; we’d do much better to spend the money on the existing fast travel network. I mean, when one considers the housing bubble on Brandywine…
Calenglad: If house prices are so high on Brandywine why don’t they just move to another server?
(audience cheers)
