I did not expect to be here again. I did not expect to be sitting on this rock in Far Chetwood, alone and hiding, just like I used to. It is like a homecoming in its own way. So familar, so comforting. When I came back from Eregion after the supposed death of Drevorin I had wanted nothing more than to return to the way things were; a simpler time without so much pain and it would seem that I have in a way. My pain is tenfold now, but I am back here again.
It has been so strange since they attacked us at Baecere's house, so fraught and uncertain. I fear again. Not them, but Drevorin. He has never scared me before, but now... now I am petrified. I finally succumb to love, open my heart to a man, let myself feel and be happy with him and it is taken from me. I am terrified of what he will become, what he will do. He does not see, he does not understand, that he is going backwards, walking willingly into the darkness with no hope for a return to the light. He has turned back to his old ways, his old associates.
He thinks that I justify Davick's actions but I do not. I try only to make him understand, to make him see. It is not Davick who cost us our relationship. Yes, he betrayed us. Yes, he restored the memories of my love. Yes, he caused us much harm. However, the choice lay with Drevorin whether or not to go back to what he used to be. He could have continued walking forwards. He could have continued pursuing a future, but instead he chooses the past. He chooses hatred, vengeance, bloodshed, lies, manipulation, secrets, schemes, plans and everything else he told me that he would leave behind. He will kill everything that was good about himself by going back and, between them, Davick and Drevorin will kill me.
I argued with him today. He made his decision plain to me. I told him that he would never see me again. He did not seem to care. That should make it all easier, then, when he finds out what I have in mind. By then it will be too late anyway.
I argued with Blodwynn as well. Or, more specifically, I shouted at her. What else was she expecting me to do? I tried confiding in her again. I really should have known better. The first thing she did when I told her what had happened the night before was to run away and call over that Adathrond man. I do not like him. I do not like him at all. Certainly, my wariness of strangers remains but this one... He is slimy. He is smarmy. He makes my skin crawl. How could she do that? I try talking to her and she screams for him to come listen. She knows I do not trust strangers, she knows that what I tell her is between us and us alone, but she simply must find someone else to bring into it all instead of just listening. It hardly matters now. I will never tell her anything again.
To make things worse, Jaerl came by the house again. He sneaked in when I was talking to Bearn in the middle of the night and attacked him! Bearn came out the victor but he bade me pack my things and flee all the same. I had planned to leave Bree-land the very next morning in any case, so that was not a problem for me, but I was not expecting to be in danger when I departed.
Still, it will not matter soon. None of it will matter. All of this, like the pain in my heart and the bruise on my face, will just fade away. I look forward to that now.
