This will be my last words for a little while. This week has been a week full of emotions and confusion. Earlier this week I received a neat letter with drawings of roses, that letter changed my life totally...
There exists memories in my past that I have decided not to keep. And certain memories I cannot let go. There has been sorrows I have chosen not to carry, and sorrows I have kept, there is a reason my mind has been so focused on my father, so I can forget what I did for twenty years ago myself. It is easier to carry those sorrows that have been caused by someone else than yourself. To be hurt is also easier to handle, than knowing that you have hurt someone else, for selfish reasons I have chosen to carry those sorrows not caused by me. I am just not strong enough to carry them all...
But I cannot escape from this memories anymore...I was only fifteen when I did a horrible mistake, I was so young and foolish, and had many naive dreams. I was in love and thought I found someone that at last could take care of me and give me the love I always had longed for. However, he disappeared from all that sudden, and I still do not know what happened to him, and I do not know why he left. I did not know what to do at that time, I was alone and was about to give birth to a baby, and so I did, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. In despair, I gave away this child, I had no choice, I was poor, a child myself and alone...Still..How could I.... *stops writing*
This letter I got earlier this week, was from a twenty year old girl called Welin, she told me that she has followed me for years. And she also told she has lived with this lady Ellie, that recently told her that I was her mother. Ellie that sworn not to tell her about me, nor tell her that she had another mother than herself. I felt disappointed, shocked, terrified, horrible, but most of all my heart was filled with joy and sadness. She wanted to meet me she said in the letter. I am so relieved that she don't seems to hate me. I will not cause her the same pain as my father has done to me, of course I will meet her, this love for this child never faded away, even though I have tried hard to forget her. But I never manage it, some things is impossible to forget. I even wrote a song in Shire once, that reminds me about her. I seldom play it. Is to hard..
((My lullaby: Song to Welin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3msLbl9iXg))
I told Baylenadan about her, a man from Gondor that calls himself a ranger. I do not know much about him, but still we have many things in common we like to talk about, music, traveling and how we cherish the wilds and the nature. I have not seen him for a long time until I met him earlier this week, but I have known him for many many years though. Lately, I have found it a bit hard to relate to him, because he have told me how much he cares for me, and he has given me a ring as a symbol that he always wants to be faithful to me. I never have asked anything from him, nor have I promised him something or given him any hopes. He knows that I am a free soul, that do not wish to bind me to someone anymore. I do like him, I do.. But I have had my share of that kind of love, is best to move on alone. Nevertheless, he is quite determined to look after me anyway, and he wants to meet my daughter and has been encouraging me to see her. He told me that we all do mistakes, but is never to be late to repair those mistakes. I think he is right..but i am so afraid..
All this circumstance takes away my focus on the music. It cannot happen right now. I do not have the time, I am not strong enough. So many preparations have been made to our musical event in May.I cannot let down my friends in The Shades or those who look forward to hearing some new songs and the music of the Shades. I do not have the heart to do so. I feel I am about to disappoint someone whatever I do, so I have decided to leave Bree, sort out everything and think a bit. And then I will come back in May... Until then I will not tell anyone where I will go..
