I find myself singing. The words come to me unbidden, unsought. I do it only when alone, as has ever been my way, but such things have ever been a rarity for me. For what did I have to lift my voice? My heart has always done my singing for me, silent, private, close. But now... my voice echoes its sorrow without my realising.
How I needed you. How I grieve now you're gone...
Everytime I close my eyes, I see his face. His gentle smile and brightly inquisitive blue eyes. I see him and I yearn. I close my eyes just for that reason now. I close my eyes to see the face of the one I love.
In my dreams I see you. I awake so alone...
When I open my eyes once more, he is not there and I remember. I remember that he will never be with me again. My heart breaks anew in those moments, but I cannot stop myself from closing my eyes once again just for one more sight of him.
I know you didn't want to leave; your heart yearned to stay.
But the strength I always loved in you finally gave way...
He would have remained with me forever if he could, if he had that choice, and I with him. Would that I could have been born mortal, or he elf!
Somehow I knew you would leave me this way,
Somehow I knew you could never, never stay...
We call it the Gift of Man, but is it? Is it truly? We do not know, we cannot be certain. Where is he gone that I cannot follow? What has become of all that I loved?
And in the early morning light, after a silent peaceful night,
You took my heart away, and my being...
I recall how he used to wake up early, long before dawn, and leave the house I had given to him a short distance from the halls of my kin. He would come to me then, where I stood on the cliff top, and place his hand upon my shoulder. Together we would watch the stars fade and the sun rise to welcome a new day. In those moments of closeness, just he and I together in a silently awakening world, it would seem that he and I existed alone, apart from all things.
In my dreams I can see you, I can tell you how I feel
In my dreams I can hold you and it feels so real...
A stolen kiss, a gentle embrace, a hand to the shoulder or arm, but never more. Is it enough? Could it ever be enough? Short moments that burned so bright, that touched so deeply and conveyed far more about our feelings than ever we could be allowed to display. Single isolated seconds, tiny memories that mean so much, a single flower in a barren world could mean no more or stand out any more clearly.
I can still feel the pain, I still feel your love,
I still the pain, I still feel your love...
Could there be anything more bittersweet than this? Will it ever leave me? Do I want it to? He opened my eyes to so much, opened my heart, my mind, my soul. The greatest gift is the one he disposed and yet with it came a price.
And somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And somehow I knew you would leave me...
His loss is too much to bear. Each breath I draw sends blades of sharp ice into the depths of my soul to rend and tear until it feels that there is nought left, but still it goes on. Still the crushing despair of the knowledge that he left with me assails my senses until I must surely black out from it, but I never do.
And in the early morning light, after a silent peaceful night,
you took my heart away...
The peace of foredawn leaves me bereft now. He will not come to me anymore. He cannot. I yearn for his arrival with every fiber of my being, but never shall he join me atop the cliff again. Never will he quirk his lips in that gentle amused smile when he shows me something new or tells me something that I do not quite understand.
How I wish, I wish you could have stayed.
There is no peace for me. To love a mortal demands the highest of prices from us and wish as we might, it must eventually be paid. It is too soon. It is always too soon. When one has eternity a few short years are nothing, and yet they mean so much. The memories swirl in my mind, the feelings dance still in my heart and it seems to me now that they are all that is real.. but they are not alone. The ripping talons of the devastation wrought by his death follow swiftly, born aloft on silent wings of ceaseless agony.
That which was beautiful whilst he walked with me beneath the moon, breathing the same air, is now tainted by wave after wave of black pain seeking to wash away everything that was.
I sing now, for what else can I do? It is release, but alike the span of his life, it is not enough. It will never be enough.
***
The doomed union took place yesterday.
Friend although he is, I could not bring myself to attend what should be the happiest day for Telfaras. How could I when my knowledge of what is to befall him in years to come would only ruin the festivities?
Selfish though it may seem, I was unable to be happy for him. Not just for his sake or because of what I know, but because of myself also. How could I watch whilst another did the very thing I wished to do but never could?
Being there, seeing that, would only have hurt me more if such a thing is possible.
Instead, I chose to take to the road with Daremis. We travel now, as I find myself in need of doing.
((Some may recognise the lyrics of that song as belonging to One Last Goodbye by Anathema. If you don't, then go Youtube it! And yes, I used that because I suck with lyrics of my own xD))
