Pocket Journal entry Twenty-three, "Drama of Guardians"

I dont know how to start.. Or really why I bother writing.. Everything today was awful. Yeah, I'm whining, I have the right to be in a pissy mood. Today was guardian training day. It started out nice. I came inside the house, it was empty apart from Caravaggio. We had a nice talk, walked down to a little house by the river.. I won't go any further, but, you know.. It was all good. We headed back up to the house a while, waited around idly for the training to begin. Seemed everything was going well. Some guy I've never even seen before bested an older member, Ariskandir. He wasn't too happy about that. These two women.. New members.. Their names elude me.. Well they sparred with little to no experience. Ariskandir set me up to spar the other man, but it was cut short before I had the chance, and the session dismissed. Juhryhu showed up to the training as it was closing.. I was afraid to speak to her.. One because I knew what she wanted to talk about.. And two.. Well.. If you know Juhryhu, you know her words can go on forever when she is mad or upset. We argued. Argued about this and that. She called me a traitor, I called her the same for different reasons. She swung a punch at my face, Caravaggio stepped in... Before I could speak he became infuriated at the situation and left, Acelin guided us inside.. Me and Juhryhu locked ourselves in the back to talk. I was surprised. It took us all of ten minutes to move on (with the condition that if I betray Juhryhu I lose my right hand). She's like a sister to me. Has been for a long time now, and I should have went to her before telling Threland. I'm not saying what I did was wrong, but.. I could have done it better.. She shouldn't have been unfaithful in the first place though.. There are regrets on both ends..

That problem was resolved. Then another arises. Caravaggio comes to the door, I open it for him.. First thing that comes out of my mouth is, "Did I do something else wrong?" as if it is all about me. Selfish idiot. He went upstairs and locked himself in his room without a word... I was genuinely afraid I had done something, that he just didn't want to speak to me. Acelin brought me outside and told me his family in Gondor were killed by Haradians. He just found out. I felt a sad, chilling, bitter sweet relief to it. Selfish relief. I don't know how to console people, I just.. I guess he just wants to be left alone.. I left.. I left the blades house, I went to my little house in Pont... I cried my eyes out until nightfall.. Then I wrote this.. I want to be a member of the advisors - I never want to go to guardian training again.