"Your heart is as black as your heritage." These were the words spoken to me by Nevarian today and he is not wrong.
He spoke the words from anger when I consistantly failed to show any signs of forgiveness for his behaviour. He spoke them to hurt me because I have been cold and unwelcoming toward him. He spoke them in response to my less than pleasant manner with him over the past few days, but his reasons for saying such a thing does not remove the truth from the statement.
That he later apologised to me concerning this changes nothing. Whether or not he chooses to see it, he was correct.
That which makes be black-hearted, however, is not my hostility toward the elf who had lied to and abandoned me, or even the circumstance of my birth. That which makes me black-hearted is what I did this morning.
I was honest. I had to be. It would have been unfair for me to be otherwise. I could not let Haldrid live a lie. I could not lie to him. This man who has been so good to me. This man who has accepted me for all of my oddities. This man who loves me. I broke his heart today when I told him the truth. I loathe myself for hurting him so.
I told no lies and I kept nothing hidden. I let him know that I had betrayed his trust more than once on the day prior and that I could not promise that I would not do so again where Cyfier is concerned. I told him that I was sorry and I am. He does not deserve such betrayal and I do not deserve a man as good as him.
It would have been easier, I think, were he to have become angry. Had he shouted or insulted me, perhaps I would now feel marginally better, but he did not. He took the news calmly and with what I can only describe as a quiet resignation. He was dignified as he wished me well and walked away and I could only despise myself more for it.
Today I have shattered not only a heart but the most fulfiling friendship I have yet found. Haldrid was the one to whom I turned, the one I could confide in. I trusted him implicitly, knowing that he would never purposefuly hurt me. Why, then, did I throw his love away?
It is stupid. It is irrational. It is illogical. To walk away from what I had with a man as wonderful as him is insanity! But it was still the right thing to do. I could not give him that which he deserves, not whilst Cyfier remains in my life and I cannot walk away from Cyfier, not whilst my heart still beats.
I am foolish. I am self-destructive. I am despicable. I am as black of heart as my heritage. I am in love.
