A heart is a strange thing. It is credited for giving one courage, will, love and hatred, all whilst moving blood about the body. It is, then, a rather busy lump of muscle; overworked, underappreciated and generally ignored for all the good it does. Perhaps, then, that is why mine seems determined to destroy me.
Haldrid finally returned today. I entered Bree to find him standing at the top of the steps outside that bedamnable inn, tall, handome and gentle as ever. I was pleased to see him, glad that he had come back and that he was well. We left the town at my insistance, retiring beneath a tree outside of the walls to speak in private. I told him first of Nevarian and was once again happy to discover that I feel comfortable enough with him to speak of my thoughts and feelings without fear of betrayal. It was, perhaps, that deep level of trust and regard that led me to eventually tell him of Cyfier's return.
At first he seemed pleased for he knows that this news means much to me. After some discussion, he managed to convince me that my abiding on that bench is no longer truly necessary. I could, he pointed out, have simply chosen a different area in which to wait thus Cyfier's enemies would not know for certain what my absence from that seat truly signifies.
Knowing that we had discussed the subject once before, I told him the truth of my feelings over Cyfier's sudden appearance. However, Haldrid did not recall that conversation and thus I found myself rather uncomfortably explaining how I had been so deeply in love with the man before my long absence from Bree. This resulted in an admission of love from Haldrid and a request that I figure out which one I have true feelings for as he, quite understandably, has no desire to remain by my side if my heart belongs to another man.
When did it all become so complicated? Why did it all become so complicated? Not so long ago, Haldrid and I stood upon the Scholar's Stair discussing the wisdom of entering into a relationship that went beyond mere friendship. It was all so rational and reasonable, a conclusion reached after much thought and many words rather than by the expedience of haphazard emotions. Even accounting for my doubts concerning whether or not he would flee as he did the first time, it made sense to try.
Of course, by that point I had believed that my feelings for Cyfier had long since been set aside as little more than childish dreams. I was, or so I thought, free of them and never to see the man again thus my moving on was not only acceptable but also expected. I certainly did not forsee the sudden rush of emotion I would suffer upon being in his presence once more.
But that itself leads me to question its validity. Do I love Cyfier? Certainly, I once did. Might this not then be naught more than a residual feeling from the last time I saw him, manifesting only because of my relief at his survival? Are those feelings truly still there? Having seen him only once, and briefly, I cannot be certain of anything at this time. I must speak with him more, I must spend more time in his company in order to know for sure whether or not what I felt was a phantom of days gone by.
I find the man attractive still, that much is true. Standing with him in those ruins, I forced myself to turn away that I might not look upon his face and yearn for it to be close to my own. However, is it not all irrelevant if he thinks not in a similar vein of me? Even did I not look as I do, I am almost twenty years his junior. He may well have shown signs of affection when he lay his hand against my cheek but that could so easily be the affection of an elder brother or father. I know not in which direction his heart rests or even if he feels anything for me at all.
Does it matter, though? Surely the point of contention in this case is the flow of my emotions, not his? If I am, indeed, still in love with him then it is eminently unfair to Haldrid for me to remain at his side. He deserves better than a woman whose heart lies elsewhere, even if it is destined to be rejected.
What of my feelings for Haldrid, then? I find him attractive, yes. I trust him and feel that I can speak to him as others speak to me; openly, honestly and without judgement. I care for him enough to know that love might be a possibility, but only once I am convinced of his intention to stay and not run away from me as he has done in the past. Could I love him? Yes. Do I love him? Not at this time, but I do care for him deeply.
To leave Haldrid at this point would be folly. I would be giving up on something good for the sake of... what? Ephemeral nonsense? A possibility that may only exist within my own hopes? It would be as irrational to leave him without being certain of my own feelings as it would be cruel to remain with him if that which was remains an unshakable truth. I must therefore gather more information before I can come to a reasonable conclusion. I must allow for either possibility, approaching this problem with as unbiased a view as I can.
I greatly dislike the position in which I have found myself. It seems inevitable that someone will be emotionally hurt by the end of this. In a worst case scenario, all three of us will walk away with broken hearts and there can only be me to blame for it.
