Drevorin finally came to find me today. Our reunion did not go well.
He gave me an ultimatum; him or Davick. For once, he listened to my side of things and, for a time, I thought the long-running argument finally over. He seemed to accept things for what they were and let it go. That was until a knock sounded at the door.
One of his associates had come to inform him of a conversation between Davick and Delinor that had taken place some days prior during which Davick had told the woman that he did, indeed, love me, just not in the way she assumed. Unfortunately, his refusal to speak specifics left room for interpretation. The blame cannot be laid entirely at his feet, however, for the one to relay the words to Drevorin decided to ommit the important parts, instead concentrating on the admission itself.
I am now more certain than ever that my loves associates are doing their level best to turn him against me. Alas, it seems to be working. He spends more time with them than he does me. He listens to them more than he does me. My words fall on ears already poisoned and, try as I might, I cannot provide the cure for he will not hear me.
I have not the strength to fight anymore. I am too tired, too worn down, too sick. I feel defeated, like I have lost a war I never knew I was a part of and I have only just noticed that the enemy overwhelmed me long ago.
My last defiance is my refusal to choose between the two men. Why should I? Why should I have to choose? Do I really want to enter married life being bullied by my husband?
No. I will not have it. I will not give in to his unreasonable demands and their twisted desires. If I must lose him over this, then such is the price I will pay in order to remain free to make my own choices regarding friends and adoptive family. It will shatter my heart beyond repair, I fear, but so be it. I will not allow anyone to dictate to me who I can and cannot speak to or spend time with. I will not compromise my beliefs or give up the life Davick and the others helped me to create for something as fickle as this conditional love.
Would that it was different. Would that they did not interfere. Would that those associates stop their malicious whisperings. Would that he would listen to me instead of them. Would that he would show as much trust and faith in me as he demands from me. Would that we could just love, be together and be happy. So many wishes to go unfulfiled. So many crushing disapointments. So many heartbreaking pieces of despair.
I cannot bear it. I have not the strength. My sickness grows worse by the day. I can barely walk now. It is too much and I am too weak.
